....... I'm sad to report that our sweet duo didn't make it to life. No + on the HPT or Beta bloodwork, and because they are already to the embryo phase, this cycle was considered a miscarriage. So incredibly sad. My doctor replied when I asked her what happens to the embryo that don't survive, "they just become a part of you at a cellular level, they don't shed entirely, yet absorb into your being". How romantic, truly. They are where they belong, with their Mama. This bloodshed is tough, real tough. Yet somehow knowing they are always a part of me will always make me feel better.
I have yet to cry. I haven't shed ONE tear. I'm not sure if I'm just numb, or if I have learned to put so much faith in our higher power that I understand fully what it means to truly let go and let what's meant to be prosper. I'm sure my process time has yet to come. That's sort of how I am; a delayed processor. I get angry and think of all the crack heads and shit parents who have as many kids as their fertile bodies desire. I question why God chooses these people over us, who are more than capable of loving every child we aspire to conceive. Why not us? Why not now? Then I take time to look at the present blessing we have been granted and I can't help but give glory to God in the same breath. I cannot feel ripped off in the least when I have the most perfect blessing on Earth that was created in His perfect timing. I am eternally grateful for that. Maybe that is why there are no tears. Maybe there is still a plan for us yet......
 |
| I'll always think of Christmas 2016 fondly as I was able to share it with these beauties snuggled in tight. |
I imagined her being the bossy little Princess of the three kids. Teaching the youngins the ways of the land. She grabs her baby dolls and say's "baby, shhhhh. it's ok, it's ok"...and I imagined her doing no different with them. That's the downside to hope isn't it? The planning, the imagination, the places your mind takes you. I already imagined the positive pregnancy test on my Mother in Laws birthday. Calling her from Disney via Facetime and showing her Adlee's "new toy" from the park, aka the positive pregnancy test she'd be swinging around like a wand. The joy on their faces to be grandparents again.....
I'm not giving up hope for our last embaby awaiting us. I'm not sure when we'll roll into that cycle, but I just want to take the time I need to process this loss and wrap my head around what's best for us in the future. Time will tell what's meant to be for our little family, God won't abandon our hearts desires, His plan is greater than mine. I'll put my faith into what's meant to be in the meantime and focus on the most precious blessing that's been given to us already.
Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.
Although you weren't to be my littles, you were very wanted & very loved.
XO,
Andi
