Moving On: In Vitro Fertilization

The last update I gave about where we stood in our process to conceive was a frustrating post and point in this process.  Read Here  In short, my IUI + injectable cycle was cancelled due to too many mature follicles. While that is great news when you're preparing for IVF, it is not great news for an IUI. After I finished 10 days of Progesterone to induce a period after that disappointing news, I went in on CD3 to discuss what I thought was going to be Day 1 of injectables for another IUI. I said to Blair en route to this ultrasound that I just didn't have a good feeling. I'm no doctor, but at this point I have engrossed myself into ALOT of research and understand far too much about this process than I should. I knew that it was going to be difficult/impossible for them to detect 2-3 of these many follicles I produce (that are all around the same size at CD 10) and pluck out the 2-3  that are preferred and grow only those to 19mm + while leaving the rest to remain idle. It's just not possible. They do their best to monitor all of the follicles when i'm in every day for bloodwork and u/s but they aren't follicle puppet masters, although I believe that should be a trait possessed on every RE's resume. 

So this particular appointment, I went into the U/S room for my CD3 scan my doctor quickly looked at the screen {my ovaries} and told me to go ahead and sit up while handing me an RX for birth control. Ummmm, birth control? He started talking about my ovaries still being overstimulated and enlarged from the previous injectable cycle and started rattling off about how "you may need to take a few months off to see what you'd like to do for next steps, recoup the mind and body and come back this Fall".  THIS FALL?! I'm not sure what stepping away would accomplish here for us after trying this hard for this long, but I knew he was concerned about all that I was putting my mind and body through. Thing is, after having the mindset I've had up to this point, there is no way I can walk away now. I'm in far too deep. If I were to do so, I'm afraid I wouldn't ever come back. He then began to say that due to our "unknown infertility" diagnosis partnered with the fact we have exhausted IUI's at this time that our healthiest route upon our "return" would be IVF. 

I'm not sure why, but the words "IVF" flooded me with such mixed emotions. Hope, sadness, relief, shock, motivation, shock again. As previously mentioned, my sister went to the same facility nearly 3 years ago and IVF was their only option to conceive. I went through the emotional process then with her to try and support her. In hindsight, I was nowhere near as supportive as I should have been now knowing TRULY what she was going through. But, I also understand now that it's not really possible until/if you've gone through it. At the very moment Dr. H said those words I had a  vivid flashback of myself, sitting in the same U/S room with my sister a few years back, sending a prayer to God saying "please never let me have to walk in these same incredibly difficult shoes someday, please."  Three years later, here I am.  We will begin nearly the same process as her. The blessing in that she's been there, done that and is a wonderful resource for me. Most importantly my beautiful nephew is here to prove that at the end of each stick, prick, prod, hope, doubt, financial burden and wait that the end is oh so worth it. I really hope and pray that this route also works for us and that the end of our journey is near.

I mean just look at this face?! 

Decision time comes quickly if you want to get on the calendar at Bethesda. Dr. H's waiting room is filled with languages from all over the world so there wasn't much time to be had until we had to pull the trigger to get on the schedule. We have considered the possibility of this being an option  for us at some point already, and the process isn't entirely foreign to us. Our only reservation that we had about IVF was what to do if/when we produce many embryo. Most doctors retrieve as many mature eggs as you've produced and then transfer {usually 1-2 embryo} into the uterus. The rest of the embryo are frozen to be used when you are ready for another transfer. The longer they freeze the less viable they are. Not everyone responds well the first IVF cycle and may need to transfer others right away and the remainder (if there are any) are stored. Ethically, we felt that we would have to transfer 100% of what we produced to give them a shot at implantation and life. Some people don't see the embryo stage as "life" but we do. We feel that what started as an embryo was given life by God and "turned into an Isaac" so we had reservations about IVF considering although we want children, we don't want a brood. Based upon my bodies response in the past in producing many eggs, we were concerned that we would have alot of embryo that we would have to transfer. Of course that isn't guaranteed and we may have zero extras. When we discussed our reservations of "having too many extra embryo" Dr. H told us that technology had come a long way since my sister's transfer and went on to tell us that we can draw the line wherever we want the line drawn. They will abide by our rules when it comes to IVF. There is no guarantee that we will have any extra embryo, but based upon my over stimulation the last cycle we are likely (and I say that with reservation) to respond well to IVF.  They said should we feel worried about having too many embryo, we could give them a percentage of embryo to keep & the rest of my mature eggs could be frozen instead. Eggs are very important of course, but they are only a cell. They are no different than the skin cells one sheds on a daily basis. In the future, should we do another transfer, I wouldn't have to go through the medicated front end of the cycle with many injectables and risk of over stimulation and would just thaw out the eggs that we have {which might I add are literally frozen in time and are the age of my eggs the day of freeze which is always nice) to use with  sperm for an embryo transfer {not largely different than the IUI process}. With this news, we immediately felt better about considering IVF as an option for us as we wouldn't have to cross that bridge of freezing many embryo.

With all that being said, I'm on BC now and my ovaries will begin to heal from the injectable overstim and we will step off this high dive & plunge into yet another unknown to begin an IVF cycle when given orders to. I'm really hopeful about this process as it's finally a procedure with the strongest chance at conceiving than what we've done so far. Of course nothing is guaranteed, but I'm keeping a "cautiously optimistic" mindset about it. I know once the process begins however, I'll be hopping on that oh so familiar teeter totter ride.

xoxo,

Andi

Eye on the Prize

For those of you who take a gander at my blog from time to time can see that as much as I try to sprinkle in tidbits about areas of my life (new home decor, friends visits, travel updates, etc) the blog has started to take a turn towards what is consuming my life as of late: going through many infertility treatments. I have struggled about what to include in these blogs after spending many a year seeing some blogs that only have ONE topic and sometimes that gets old to me. I realized it was just because I didn't take interest or relate to what those people were writing about, and that's okay. I don't want to drone on and on to those who could careless about infertility who don't want to hear the good, bad and the ugly; but I've also had many people email me to tell me that they'd like me to expand more on my treatments and details as some of it is new to them & they don't know what to expect starting this RE journey. This blog not only has become a cathartic release to me but apparently has helped others who are in need of some guidance. That reason alone gives me the bravery that I need to push myself to write these very exposing posts. So, I hope to not annoy people who could give a rats a$$ about this; if you don't care to know what this journey really is like, by all means, follow an uplifting blog that you can relate to. Hopefully this blog will have a happy ending and titles of  "20 Week Baby Update" will grace it's cover, but until then just an FYI it will be knee deep in this process, which is my day to day life right now. 

See that's the thing about infertility, it's not something that you can just visit here and there. It's all consuming. Daily bloodwork and ultrasounds (not the fun ones with gel on the belly where you get to see a baby inside), rather it's the ones with the long hard "Dildocams" that detect how many follicles you do or do not have in your ovaries. It's injections and pills taken at home, it's many many negative pregnancy tests. In the beginning of this journey my husband, who is a basketball coach, was obviously worn out from all of this and filling me with the praises one wants to hear. "Andi, it's GOING to happen, just try to take it off your mind for now", as he's writing plays on a napkin at dinner, nowhere near a basketball court (ie; all consumed with basketball 24/7). So, I decided I'd put what it feels like in HIS terminology. I took the napkin and wrote, Your Coaching Record: 0-24. "How does that feel eh?". Because think about it, I am currently batting 0 for 24. 0 pregnancy tests have been positive in 24 months. That's a shit record that I can't even control an outcome on. From that moment on he began to see things differently. 

Using the terminology "infertility is like a rollercoaster" seems so cliche. But when you're going through it, it really does feel like that. You get on the coaster (a new treatment protocol) and have hope as you buckle in for the ride. You take your meds/shots as you cruise up that big exciting hill of hope (moving in the right direction as you approach ovulation), getting to the top to look down as you go in for your Day 12 u/s to confirm if you'll take your Ovidrel shot and have a chance at pregnancy or not. Either your cycle is cancelled and you go plummeting down that big ol' scary hill, or you plummet down that hill as you embark on the ever so long two week wait filled with daydreams of two pink lines. Life is a constant ride or rotation of two weeks up to the hill and 2 weeks flying down that coaster, stomach in your throat. Sometimes it's just nice to know you aren't riding that coaster alone. Every time I write a blog that I'm afraid to talk about or expose myself any further, I push myself up to that front car at the park & have those in mind who are going through this same coaster ride who don't want to feel so alone. 

The cycle of hope and doubt can come and go MANY times in a day but it's so much nicer when your eye is on the prize!!

xoxo,

Andi

Breeding in Captivity, a MUST read!!

There's not much more I love in a person than a dry sense of humor. I wish I had more of it just lying around to surround me when I'm feeling all negative & self loathing. A big ol' belly laugh (and wine) can cure about any ailment in my opinion. Especially while going through all the BS that surrounds infertility treatments. I'm a big reader & am always hunting for a "goodread" to distract & engage which is exactly where I found this book I just finished...in less than 24 hours might I add. If you havent downloaded the  Goodreads App or read this book before, I HIGHLY recommend it.  

Breeding in Captivity: One Woman's Unusual Path to Motherhood. It's absolutely hilarious.Think Chelsea Handler meets Judy Blume. For all my ladies who read this blog struggling to conceive, pick it up immediately. You won't regret it. You will especially laugh your ass off if you have been at it long enough to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or have began the many IUI rounds to see what this torturous process is really like. The author, Stacy Bolt, refers to the ultrasounds as "DildoCams" and the donation room as the "Spanketeria". The author was diagnosed with "Advanced Maternal Age" at 35 as was told by her OB/GYN she affectionately nicknamed "Dr Buzzkill" before being referred to her RE. She later discovered she had severe endometriosis that would make it very difficult for them to conceive at this age. They began the usual protocol of HSG's, Clomid, then IUI's, injectables {ya'll know the drill} and many other methods to try and become a parent. Stacy Bolt will leave you nodding your head in true "amen sister" fashion while being doubled over in laughter. She paints the picture pretty accurate, and luckily her story has a happy ending. Her preservation to get there looks alot like the one many of us have had to endure but she has a great way of describing such a brutal process with the perfect concoction of cynicism & hope. I have several friends dreading their two week wait coming up & this book will be the perfect gift to take the edge off.

Lets face it, no one knows what to say to friends who are going through this hell {even I don't sometimes}. You have to find the perfect balance of being supportive and upbeat but not too upbeat or supportive to assume you actually KNOW what that person is going through, unless of course you do. See? It's complicated. If you do have these friends struggling to conceive, refrain from making suggestions such as "relax, it'll happen when it's meant to" or "you know what you need to do, stop thinking about it and THEN it will happen". Or, "gosh we tried for 6 MONTHS, it was brutal, I know exactly how you feel". "You could always adopt and then you'd get pregnant right away" is my favorite. Ummm, no, it's called a medical condition. Adoption isn't a cure to infertility, although I do know some people where timing has worked out in their favor here. I know that people are trying to be supportive, they are. But if you find yourself not knowing what to say, and you don't need/ want to read this book, buy it for that friend and slip a note in it that says "Thinking of you. Sending positive vibes your way". Done. A simple acknowledgement & well wish goes a long way. Because honestly, just being there as a sounding board, friend {and/or bartender} is the best advice I can give. 

*No I don't personally know this author, nor am I getting proceeds from this blog to promote what a great book this is. Just spreading a little love. Pay it forward friends. Enjoy!

xoxo,

Andi

Expect the Unexpected

Boy have I learned this one the past 2 years!! It took me about a year of that time to get there, and I still struggle with acceptance on many levels, but I have learned a lot along the way; physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I read this daily devotional over coffee this morning and figured I'd share it with with all of you. Whatever you're struggling with, know that it's all part of a greater plan. Just hold on! :)

We ask the Father for things we long for because we want the full joy he offers us. And we don’t ask for trivial or fleshly things, because we know what the Apostle James says: “You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions” (James 4:3). No, we pray for greater faith, love, holiness, wisdom, discernment, experience of God’s grace, boldness, joy in God, and less satisfaction with worldly things. Such longings and prayers are sincere and God loves them and loves to answer them. But we do not know ourselves very well, nor the depth or pervasiveness of our sin, nor what it really requires of us in order to receive what we ask for. We can’t help but have unreal, romantic imaginations and expectations about what God’s answers to our prayers will be.

Therefore, we are often unprepared for the answers we receive from God. His answers frequently do not look at first like answers. They look like problems. They look like trouble. They look like loss, disappointment, affliction, conflict, sorrow, and increased selfishness. They cause deep soul-wrestling and expose sins and doubts and fears. They are not what we expect and we often do not see how they correspond to our prayers.When God begins to answer our prayers, we often find his answers disorienting. Circumstances might take unexpected courses, health might deteriorate, painful relational dynamics might develop, financial difficulties might occur, and spiritual and emotional struggles might emerge that seem unconnected and we can feel like we’re digressing from not progressing toward the sanctification we desire. We cry out in painful confusion and exasperation (Psalm 13:1; Job 30:20), when what’s really happening is that God is answering our prayers. We just expected the answer to look and feel different.

This being true, we might be tempted to not even ask God for such things. I mean, who wants unpleasant answers to prayers for joy? Don’t be deceived into this short-sighted thinking. 

Remember Jesus’s promise: 

“Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full” (John 16:24). 

If the path to full joy is sometimes hard, and Jesus tells us it is (John 16:33; Matthew 7:14), that is no reason not to take it! What do you want? Low, shallow, thin joys? No! Go for full joy! 

And remember what the writer of Hebrews tells us:

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)

With regard to God’s answers to prayer, expect the unexpected. Most of the greatest gifts and deepest joys that God gives us come wrapped in painful packages.

Andi

Happenings Lately

We have been busy being handy as of late!! Hiding cords, installing surround sound in the mancave, changing fixtures and installing ceiling fans. The most exciting one for me so far is our dining table refinish! *does Fredrick high kick & squeal{if you don't watch Million Dollar Listing NY, kill yourself now}

This table was a last minute pick up as I was pedal to the metal through my parents neighborhood en route to the hospital. We just received the news my sister was in labor (2 years ago). I saw this 3 piece massive table and 6 chairs displayed at the neighbors driveway and pulled over to inquire it's deats. Hey-- this girl knows not to lose out on a good furniture piece when she sees one. Plus, we were building a new house at the time and I had to begin filling it up. I rolled down the window and yelled out "how much?!", to which he replied, "$100". I threw it in park and got out to see if the thing was going to crumble at my fingertips or something, and after extensive review I saw it was in mint condition. Well, except for the black shiny finish that someone in that house had botched years earlier. Nothing a strip and refinish can't handle. So, I told him I'd be back that evening with the cash and to consider it mine. When I came back he asked "well, is it a boy or a girl"!!? And beamed ear to ear when I told him "boy" (he has three). The rest is history! What I thought would be a quick refinish turned in to me loving this memory so much that I was afraid I'd mess the table up somehow and be left with something worse. So when I mentioned all of this to my friend Katie last weekend, she offered to come in town to help me as she'd done it before. The result is awesome!! I'm really pleased with it. Now it has a great story AND a finish I can dig. 

Before:

Hideous finish in all its natural glory (During): 

After:

I can hear your gasps from here!!! Fantastic, right? yay!

Next up, we hit up our first Indian wedding last weekend in Cleveland and it.was.amazing. The Baraat was my favorite part. Well, next to the insanely beautiful Sari's everyone wore, including the bride (of course) which was handmade bead by diamond by stitch. It was over 30 lbs!!! She wore the hand and head pieces that Sehul's mother wore on their wedding day 44 years ago and the ceremony was in the temple that his Dad had a huge part in building. It was very beautiful, I love seeing how other cultures celebrate especially when it's so different from ours. Back to the Baraat. In India the entire village celebrates this portion of the ceremony (it was the first 2 hours of the 6 hour ceremony). Usually in India this part of the celebration takes place over a span of five days and includes the entire village. This was an American bride marrying an Indian groom so The Baraat was a bit different than how they do it in India (shortened into 2 days vs. 5 and the ceremony portion only being 6 hours). I wish I knew how to upload the videos I took of the Baraat, but imagine Sehul in a horse drawn carriage and all of the Indian men and women dancing around it for 2 full hours. Sehul came out at the end and joined everyone in the dancing and then everyone followed he and the family to the temple. It's all supposed to signify the blending of the families and the support of each and everyone there throughout their journey in life up to this day. Very cool. The ceremony was in their language so it was hard to understand what was happening but luckily the gentlemen next to me was helping to explain. It was incredible. Speaking of, the families always give cards with money for the gifts and the weddings are so big that we were told an average of 60-80k is what the newlyweds end up walking away with. My jaw dropped and I promptly told B I was trading him in for an Indian man ;) We really had a nice time learning more about the Indian culture. Congrats Sarah and Sehul, we can't wait for the American cele in two weeks. 

The gorgeous Bride, Sarah!

Sehul and the boys in their Indian gear

Sehul in the horse drawn carriage, looking all Regal

MARRIED!

Last up for the weekend was a ton of yard work but we finally got it looking ship shape! My flower beds are still complete rock with it being a new build so the mulch we laid was KEY along with the hanging baskets {nothing has survived that I've planted}. Apparently there's some tilling next year that will need to be done but until then my hostas will hopefully spread. When in doubt, hosta. These bitches are hard to kill.

Hope ya'll had a wonderful holiday weekend!! We didn't even get catch any fireworks this year--beh. Hopefully next year will be more patriotic, but this year we were obviously too busy being Indian. 

Cheers,

Andi

Reminder: Birth Control Does More Than Just Prevent Pregnancy

This Hobby Lobby sitch has me on blast. While I understand that it's not the responsibility of the company you work for to supply healthcare coverage for things they don't believe they should cover, I don't understand why they believe an anti depressant or a diabetic drug should take precedence over birth control used for a medical condition such as infertility. Birth control isn't only taken to prevent pregnancy people; the article below does a decent job of defending this. Furthermore, Viagra is still covered by hobby lobby, so that famous hard rift argument that this promotes promiscuity among women (false) doesn't seem to matter for men because let's face it the purpose of Viagra is to allow people to have sex. INSANE.

Reminder: Birth Control Does More than just Prevent Pregnancy

Women with PCOS or endometriosis can have menstrual cycles for weeks or months at a time, and I can attest to that. From the get go, I have been on birth control in order to regulate my VERY erratic cycles due to a hormonal imbalance unlike those would argue diabetes have with insulin resistance (which also goes hand in and with most PCOS'ers). I challenge any man behind this decision to have even 6 months of a period like many women have who have this health ailment. They would be poppin BC pills so fast they don't know what hit em. While I'm very PRO LIFE and anti-abortion, it is obvious to anyone who knows anything about the reproductive system that birth control used on a daily basis (unlike the morning after pill) is not anywhere close to the aforementioned. I think that the reason women are so shamed by infertility is because it's not recognized by many as a medical health condition. Clearly if our employers, who we bust ass making money for on a daily basis, don't even recognize infertility nor cover it, what's that telling us? That can make ya feel real alienated real fast.  A majority of women who are seeking Reproductive Endo assistance are paying for these procedures and drugs out of pocket. Friends and complete strangers {who are now friends} who come across this blog come to me in private saying that they aren't "out" yet to anyone but support what I'm going through because they too have the same issues. People and employers need to begin to recognize infertility as a MEDICAL HEALTH CONDITION THAT WE DID NOT CHOOSE. We were born this way, arguably even more so than those struggling with other medical issues that ARE covered under your health insurance. My health insurance covers botox for Christ sake but it doesn't cover infertility!! Lets make sense of that, shall we?! Point is, it's not a choice to be in these shoes and some of you face the same struggles & lack of infertility coverage. This isn't even a "women's rights issue", this is an overall infertility/health coverage issue. My dear friend and her husband struggle through infertility because her husband was diagnosed with cancer years ago and had to undergo chemotherapy that literally wiped away every last healthy swimmer he has. My sister and her husband underwent IVF 3 years ago after 5 years of TTC because her husband torched a testicle during a soccer game as a young boy and lost all fertility in that testicle making his sperm count nearly undetectable. I have done everything in my power (low carb, non gluten, non dairy, high exercise, low exercise, gain weight, herbal meds, fertility meds, bla bla bla) and at the end of the day, the only thing that helps my body to respond with a hormonal balance that would warrant conceiving a child is fertility meds. It sucks, but it's real and I'm over the shame and blame and have come to accept the fact that " baby I was born this way" -- {Strikes Lady Gaga pose}. 

In short, there are other health issues that warrant medical coverage to conceive a child. Wouldn't these conservative bible beaters who are pro baby making want to support coverage to those in strong conditions to parent a child but physically have been dealt a bad hand? So why spend so much time on stupid topics such as birth control yay or nay? People will go to Planned Parenthood and get the pack of BC for $10 OOP if they really want it! If people don't take a stand and speak out about infertility and medical ailments that should be covered by insurance, infertility will always be associated with shame and guilt. 

MAKE YOUR "MESS YOUR MESSAGE" PEOPLE! 

*drops microphone.......