The Never Ending Race #justkeepswimming

All too often during this trying time of trying to get pregnant I find myself asking myself "why"? Why are we being faced with this difficulty? Why isn't God ready to make us parents; I seem to think we'd make great parents?! Why do all of the crackhead parents of the NICU babies I cuddle up with during my Volunteer hours keep spitting them out left and right & I have never seen those two pink lines before? Why can't I seem to find a way to give up, let go, and accept that it may never happen for us? Why has it taken so long!!? Why haven't any of the IUI's worked yet? Our counts have been fabulous and my body has responded very well the past 5 months, finally getting regulated..... the "why's" are endless. As I approach another IUI tomorrow morning, I am battling with all of the the "why's" and emotions that surround this brutal process.

I explained to one of my besties yesterday that struggling with infertility feels like you are running a veryyyy longgggg race that you don't feel will ever end. You're tired, telling yourself you cant go on any further one minute and the next you're pumping yourself up to get "back on the horse" and keep going. There's no option to quit, you're not a quitter and you've made it this far. You WILL finish this marathon!!! You WILL be stronger in the end from this!! You WILL be a Momma someday!! But sometimes it feels like everyone else is blowing past you in a full out sprint, with ease, just crusin through that finish line while I'm barely making the first 200m curve, far far from the out of sight finish line. That's basically what infertility feels like. Have I mentioned how much I hate the "I" word, because I do. There's alot of shame attached to it for me. It's such an ugly word. I prefer "re-productively challenged" ;) Or even better, "pregnant"!!

On top of this never ending race though, you have life happening all around you. It just goes on with or without you!! You don't want to miss it {as we all know in a mere blink another month rolls by}. One minute you have someone on the same godforsaken "team" as you and the next minute FB feeds flood your day with them holding their 5 month old. "5 month old!?! Blair, remember when we were talking with them about also having trouble conceiving?!! My god that was 14 months ago"!!! Life begins to revolve around this.  I think there is a natural armor of protection the heart starts to weave around it or you wouldn't even be able to function normally.

I have been open & honest about this process without trying to be overbearing & I am relieved that I've had so much support and encouragement along the way. One friend even took my advice when she wasn't responding to one med to try one I used and responded to, and she's now 4 months pregnant!! That alone has made being open about this struggle all worth it. There are many people knee deep in this race who aren't running alone {some of you read my blog} and I hope that we are all surprised with a random gust of energy/wind that brings our finish line a WHOLE LOT CLOSER than we think possible. 

xoxo,

Andi 

{Memorial} Weekend Recap!

Since we moved in, we've had visitors every weekend {which we love} and this Memorial Weekend we had a wide open long weekend with no visitors. We had the perfect balance between production around the house, cookouts with friends and family and R&R with the furbabies. So necessary; I feel completely refreshed.

 

We painted the dining room the same color as the last house we built {no chance to get sick of it when we lived there for a whopping 9 months} & love it just the same if not more in this house. I also hung the globed light fixture, which is a total bear, so all I have left to do in this room is to hang the rustic wall wine rack, find drapes and a big rug and call it a day.
 

Light fixture hung! Rug and drapes to find next.....

 I also just received the 7' x 9' massive wall art from Pottery Barn that I'm hanging in our vaulted living room above the couch. Now....to get it hung. I tried to finagle the delivery guy with a $50 spot to hang it for me but no cigar. Sigh. Any takers? I've had my eye on this baby for MONTHS & finally pulled the trigger. Obsessed with it.

 I found some great rockers for the front porch and cant wait to get the roped porch swing my parents are getting us for our house warming gift. I grew up in Lexington, KY and we had a big lovely front porch that everyone used as the gathering place in the neighborhood. I have so many fond memories on that porch that these rockers this weekend took me right back to. There's nothing more relaxing to me than a summer evening on the front porch with the furbabes {+ red wine, duh}. We got to soak in a whole lot of nature walks out back during the day and evenings on the porch this weekend. It couldn't have been any better. Well, maybe if a bonfire and smores were involved, but that's about it!

Clearly Nova and Atty approve

 

potter Afro Puff Nova

 

Nature walks with Atticus

Blair & Bean

 

My man & his mad lawncare skills

all tuckered out

peaceful back yard

We've already made alot of great friends in D-town and are starting to feel right at home. I can honestly say it was all worth it. Selling our new home, transitioning into a storage unit while we lived in an apartment for 10 months and building a second home, to finally being unpacked and settling in. My left eye has FINALLY stopped twitching after a solid 9 months (ha!! not even kidding).  We hope to be here for a very long time.

 

my new hairdresser and friend, KC & I

Erin & I- my gym junkie who drags me along with her!

 

Hope you all had a fab weekend filled with family fun and some rest and relaxation!! Happy Memorial Day and as always, THANK YOU to all who have served to help provide us with these many pleasures + this beautiful life filled with all it's freedoms.

 

xo,

Andi

Things not to tell your friends who are TTC

That you are pregnant......and considering an abortion. Ummm!? 

Last week a friend of mine called to tell me she was pregnant. Now, most friends as of late feel awkward telling me they are, which is ridiculous because I am always insanely happy to hear baby news. Even when the friend who told me is one that's kind of a hot mess {self proclaimed}. She hasn't had a job in years, has had zero desire to ever be a mom {had an abortion in her early 20's already} and got pregnant by a pro baseball player who has been her on and off booty call for years. Originally I was super happy about the news because I think that this baby could bring some structure and focus to her life and give her meaning, I've had friends who get pregnant out of wedlock and are single parents and while it's not ideal, they turn out to be the best thing that happened to them in the end. She told me she was "weighing out her options" and while trying not to be judgemental I heard her out on all of them. I didn't think she'd ever have another abortion after the first as she said it was so traumatic and difficult for her but when she brought it up this time, it absolutely broke my heart. 

I've always been pro life, unless a woman is raped or what not, and even then I'd probably have it but I'd understand if another woman couldn't. I truly feel that no child is a mistake. Parents? Yes. They can be mistakes to the child but never the child. So, Blair and I immediately offered her an option to adopt to us {open or closed} just so she felt that there was a way out that included giving this child a chance at life & should she want, she could see grow should she choose. In the end, yesterday she told me after a week of deciding, she will be aborting it this week. Then she asked me how my house was coming along & she was excited to see it soon!?! Isn't life ironic? 

Alanis Morisette keeps ringing in my ears.


Isn't it ironic? One person prays they will soon be blessed to love a child of their own, and another is praying that their abortion goes well.....

Mothers Day

"To all of you who are already Moms. To all of you who are soon to be Moms. To all of you who long to be Moms. To all of you who are missing your Moms. To all of you who have experienced the joy of giving your heart over to another living being - human or not. You are amazing and you are loved." 

Mom, Sis & I

Mother In Law, Sister in Laws, & Angel Baby "Josie" in the oven

Albright boys & MIL

Gramma <3

Newphew, and Miracle Baby , Isaac 

xoxo,

Andi

We survived!

..... And have spent the past 3 days trying to get this house out of boxes and in some sort of order!! Y'all know I'm obsessed with everything that is home decor; luckily the last house we built we had to get a lot for & this one I could just re-arrange where things were from that house. That move, we moved from a one bedroom city condo to a 4 bedroom house & this time we built a very similar floor plan which made it much easier (next to moving day--ugh I cant even say the word boxes without slightly panicking). 

It's starting to come along!

entry way

view from eat in kitchen to living room

these bar stools from World Market? .... obsessed. So happy with this purchase.

guest room bed up and ready for guests!

first thing we did when we moved in-- new bed from Joss & Main. Lurrrvvvv

view from the couch!

So incredibly RELIEVED and THANKFUL that we are here, finally. The dust has settled and we took a moment this weekend to reflect on the madness that our new job for me & move/new job for B & moving again lives have looked like the past 2.5 years and we are really looking forward to settling in and RELAXING & seeing what the next chapter in our lives holds for us.

After these past few days, Sunday Funday is alllll about gettin our lazy on!

Happy Weekend all!! Cheers!

xoxo,

Andi