Forewarning: Long post, serious self exposure, judgement & or pity not necessary.
.....So, I've been wanting to write about this for awhile but haven't even had the words to formulate in my head that would get out onto paper as it's been a bit of a journey. My bestest told me the other day that I should write this down or blog about it because it's "a good enough story to write a book on" (thanks dear). My immediate response to her was "well, maybe I'll wait until I'm pregnant one day and I can look back on it and laugh, I don't want to jinx it". But then, I thought to myself, maybe someone else in the blogging planet is going through something crazy and me being open and honest about my situation can help. At the very least, it could be therapeutic & well, a nice release. I guess we'll see how that pans out now that this has gone viral. Some people are private (my husband) & that's fine. Me, I'm going to let it all out. The past year, I've found that some of the people I have 'let it all out' to, they themselves are/have gone through the same thing or know someone who has. I'll start by saying it's INSANE how many women I've spoken to who have had fertility issues (male or female) or who've needed a little help along the way. I think it's because couples have waited longer than ever before to have children, and also the fact that many women were on birth control pills for MANY years before TTC (trying to conceive). Training your body & hormones to be one way, and then all of a sudden going cold turkey and expecting it to act another way has been a quick summary of what this bod has gone through. If I had to do it all over again, I would never have gone on BC, but that's an entirely different post.
Trying to conceive a child has not been a wham bam thank you ma'am for us (obvi). I always knew it may take me a hot minute as after 16 years of gymnastics, came 10 years of cheerleading and with that came a very active body, little to no body fat and very irregular menstrual cycles. I've never in my entire years of menstruals had a 'normal' one. All you 28 days, shed, ovulate, shed again, 28 days later women? ... run, run fast away from me. HA! No, but seriously. Thank your lucky uterus/hormones/etc. My cycle has always consisted of 3 months off, 1 month on, 5 months off 3 days on, and so on. Crazy, erratic, serious irregularity going on. When I was 16 my OB/GYN put me on birth control to regulate my cycles and allow me to live a normal menstrual life. Praise Dr. Stockwell as it was fantastic at that time. Life was cruising along JUST FINE until B and I decided to get off the pill when we got home from our dream trip to Greece/Turkey last Fall. We were going to get off the pill and "see what happens", no calculating or anything. We just thought I'd regulate as doctors say sometimes it takes a year to do so after being on the pill for so long. So, I got off the pill thinking "ahh, I've been out of athletics and living in moderation for a few years, maybe things will be just fine with my cycle". Ummm, nope. Not at all. I started tracking them on a calendar as my new OB/GYN suggested, and once again they were all.over.the.place. That is where this now year long journey began.
I think I mentioned this in an earlier blog, but my much loved Dr. Stockwell, whom I always dreamed would deliver my future children, retired. Le sigh. In all of his Monopoly Man looking glory (true story he rocked a stache like the Monopoly Man) he left the practice to volunteer at the hospital and help budding residents. Yay for them, nay for me. I was sad to see him go, but was hopeful that I'd find another. So, the search began. I went to a doc with horrendous bedside manner,you don't even want to know the comments he was making while I was in the stirrups, and another doc that got hit in the head with a bike rack and went on medical leave. I did like him. Dr Underwood had a similar energy to Dr. Stockwell. He wore a gold chain that hung over his scrubs, and his chest hair poked out, all while wearing dress shoes. Amazing. This particular doctor saw me a handful of times and diagnosed me right away based on my elevated androgen levels with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and started cramming Clomid down my throat. After 3 rounds of Clomid (unmonitored/ no ultrasounds) one month of which sent me into hyper stimulation, no baby. I decided that this wasn't the right path for me and considering Dr. Underwood was now on bed rest, I was once again off to find another doctor. Great time to be trying to get pregnant eh?
So, I'm thinking third time is a charm, I'll switch things up and go to a female doctor this time. Insert, doctor Rausch. She is young, vibrant, hip to what the latest is in the Ob/Gyn community and TERRIBLE at inserting catheters. Inserting catheters you ask? .... yes. She suggested that I now do whats called an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) to make sure my tubes are open, and also to test my husbands sperm to make sure all is well in his neck of the woods. Readers, if you are in this situation, FYI, the HSG and sperm test comes BEFORE the jamming of the Clomid down the throat. Clomid is not a drug to just toss down, so dot your i's and cross your t's before those bad boys. Anywho--after 3 failed catheters during my HSG procedure (way to go doc) and the worst pain I've experienced in my entire life, the dye shot confirmed that I was free and clear of any blockage in my fallopian tubes and my husband's "shot" showed an incredibly high sperm count - Go B! You'd think this would make me insanely excited? .... well, it only made me feel MORE alienated and more like the "problem" of the two. Even though I knew deep down that it was me and my cycles from the get go.
To back track a bit, my sister and her husband tried to conceive for 5 years. This has probably also contributed to my concerns to find a doctor who was willing to work with us earlier rather than later instead of waste years. Most doctors recommend you try for 1-2 years before determining anything. It turned out after many docs told them they wouldn't have children due to her husbands low sperm count, that they had to do IVF (Invitrofertilization) for their son, Issac. Good news is, she loved the facility and docs, they had 5 embryos and Isaac was born the first attempt. Yay! Better news for me, she had done all of the research and I knew that should I ever need to see a endocrinologist/fertility specialist myself that at least I know just the guy to go to! My first trip there I'm a pin cushion and he is adamant about the fact that I do not have PCOS as I'm not the 'typical mold' for it. They found that certain hormones were elevated, making him lean towards a diagnosis pertaining to a congenital disorder that was easily fixed by a steroid shot monthly. He believed this would lead to communication between my adrenal gland and my hypothalamus in my brain which would result in a balance in hormones to induce ovulation and all would be well. I was so excited that he had found a cure and I praised his MD, PHD title all the way home. Well, the test came back negative. No congenital adrenal hyperplasia. You know it's bad when you're hoping that a congential disorder is confirmed just to have a diagnosis on what's going on. Dr. Hofmann suggested I do a round of Provera to induce a menstrual and shed my uterine lining as he saw via U/S that it was pretty thick (great when carrying a child, not great when trying to conceive unless your husbands sperm also comes with armor). After what was a menstrual like what most of you normal women out there have (sgs;gsgksgjk!!!!! holy crap you deserve a medal for those, it was TERRIBLE) I thanked my lucky abnormal hormones for years of ease, and then felt hopeful that this shed is all it would take. Well, the shed was a great start but it did not workout the month to follow.
So after the Provera, I started Letrozole. Letrozole is great because it doesn't have the side effects or long term affects (thinning of the uterine lining) that Clomid does. Next to a little bloat and occasional crazy town hormonal moment, it's a walk in the park compared to what's out there. Which is hilarious because it's original use is for treating women with breast cancer (say what!??). Let me just say, this drug has worked miracles for me. The past 2 months I've been regular and ovulating on my own, and the doctor thinks this has to do with the ability the drug has to allow your hypothalamus to communicate with your adrenal gland which allows the body to regulate. Sooooo....although I don't have a 'diagnosis' here's to hoping this regulation eventually works for us now that we're on the same playing field as anyone else out there TTC. We are blessed to have strong fertility, and hope that this is all we need. I've had to gain some weight & slow down my Insanity workouts to speed walks and yoga, but at this point, I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
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| Ha!!! (kind of true) |
I wouldn't take any of the time B and I had just he and I away for a second. I also know that one day I'm going to look back on these days baby free and salivate at the thought of our "Andi /Blair" days. But, I also know that we are ready to start a family and share those next adventures together. We may conceive naturally, we may end up adopting, etc. Who knows what our family will look like, but I know it'llwork out exactly how it is supposed to & we will have a family of our own someday. This journey hasn't been easy, and I know many couples that have much worse of a journey. But, thanks for listening. I do feel a bit better!
So, if you're out there reading this wondering "man, my cycles are a mess too" or whatever that nagging feeling about your health may be, seek help from a medical professional sooner than later. I'm really thankful that I trusted my instincts and my bodies signals to do so and that it only took a year to get 'diagnosed' and things under control. And as always, feel free to send prayers, baby dust and/or good energy our way! :) And if you actually made it to the end of this post, thanks for reading.
xoxo,
Andi
