4 months with Adlee

My Little Lady,

4 months, holy moly!! Life before you was wonderful in it's own ways, but life since you is more than I could have ever imagined. Daddy asked me the other day if I thought you looked how I imagined you to look and I couldn't have ever dreamed you to be as precious and perfect as you are. Your round cheeks, big smile and little arm rolls are to die over. Sometimes the "awww, what a fat baby" comments offend me as I'm always going to be your protective Mama Bear, but I've realized they are just compliments since after all, they are what makes you, YOU! You are healthy and squishy and give the best cuddles. My 1,000 daily kisses literally sink into those amazing cheeks of yours. I wouldn't change a single thing about you. You still think I'm hilarious so that's a plus!! I know one day I'll annoy you, be so uncool, and everything I say will be "soooo 100 years ago", so for now I'll take it. I hope you always love your Mama because there won't be a day that goes by that my love will lessen for you. 

These days your personality is overall pretty laid back. You still have your moments of "zest" (when you're hungry especially) but overall you just love to talk anyone's ear off, travel with Mama in the car & look out the window at all the trees zooming by, or smile and gab at the baby in the mirror (aka you!). We do a lot of front porch rocking like we did when I was carrying you in my belly, and I still sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" as I used to wonder "who" you were (boy or a girl). I now know who you "are" clearly, but now I wonder who you're going to be someday! Will you love music as much as I do? Will you be a free spirit like me or intense and more introverted like your Daddy? What will your voice sound like? What will be your favorite subject in school? I can't wait to relive holidays with you and see so many more smiles on your face. I love that everyday we are learning something new from you. I can't wait for all the steps. What they say is true, it really does just keep getting better and better. 

You can sit up in your bumbo on your own and tolerate tummy time on the boppy now. You hate bottles and still prefer Mama feeds. I still melt over your little hand finding it's way to my chest or face, but not loving your ability to grab my long hair by the fistfuls ;) You and Casanova are getting along well now that you are his only friend since Atticus went over the rainbow. He licks your face and checks on you when you cry. You could careless that he's there so far but I have a feeling that will change when you're big enough to crawl allover him or pinch his tail/nub. It's sweet to watch you and your cousin Isaac interact. He kisses you now and you smile/giggle back at him. Hopefully soon you and your cousin Beck (3 months apart) can begin to interact more. We Mama's are excited to see you all make memories together.

This time last year I was preparing for our big embryo transfer. You and your sibling were safely injected into my womb and we prayed and prayed that you'd both stay there for the next 9 months. You were my little fighter girl who made it all the way (past that 8/29 transfer & through the long 9 months of a high risk vasa previa pregnancy & finally through the C section). You were worth every last bit of it and I thank God he blessed me with you every single day.

From the moment you exited my body, I've understood that being your Mother would be a lifelong process of separation, letting go. I hope that Father time goes SLOW on us and that I'm able to raise you knowing that no matter what happens in your life, there will always be my wide open arms and a shoulder to rest your head on. You will always be my little girl.

Love you so!

XOXO,

MOM 

Life as a working (sick) Mama, pumping + childcare & allergic reactions! Exhaustion and pure joy......

I've been back to work for nearly 5 weeks now and boy is it ALOT! I always thought I was pretty energetic & good at multi tasking but it is EXHAUSTING! It's great to be back amongst the land of the living and showering before 7p, but it's definitely overwhelming to juggle. I had to apologize to Blair the other night as I crawled into bed at 8:30p feeling like I tackled work and mommy that day but was far from tackling "wife". It's truly quite an adjustment and I often feel like I'm drowning. No amount of coffee or hours in the day can get me to where I feel I need to be.  I need to either lower my expectations of myself or trust that eventually we'll hit our new stride and I'll feel like I'm living in less of a blur. HOW to people have 5 kids? .... ok how do they have 2!?

 

Her sitter Miss Holly has Adlee M&T and they are having a really great time together so that helps immensely. I met Holly in the NICU as volunteers and we'd just sit and rock the NICU babies and chat for hours about any and everything. Praying over the sick babies, my struggle to conceive at the time, her struggles to deal with her MIL and family members, etc. She prayed and prayed for Adlee and was such a huge support system for me that it's really a blessing to know she's now her caregiver when I'm away. Holly says she's such an easy happy baby when she's there and she's constantly updating me on how things are going as well as sending pictures. Plus, she deals with my "suggestions" and lets me pretend to instruct her on what's best for Adlee. HA! I'm sure they have their own tricks that work for them but I appreciate her humoring me and letting me feel like I'm still mothering her from afar. 

Holly's son playing with AJ

My MIL watches her W&Th and does the same, thank God. Even with hitting the childcare jackpot I still feel pangs of guilt here and there for not being with her all the time. I remind myself that she's learning to be independent and not to always rely on her Mama to soothe and adapt. Being away from me some will only assist in her feeling comfortable around other people. But, it doesn't mean it's easy. I don't "let down" unless I'm watching a video of her so it's pretty torturous to be sitting in the backseat of the car mid work day listening to her from iphone videos so I can pump my milk effectively. 

 Negatives also include making sure I have enough ice in cooler, clean pump parts, or hell to even remember the frozen milk for the sitter and pump parts! HA! Trust, I've driven away several times and had to turn back to remember both of these on top of what I need for my work presentations. The past 5 weeks in two words: Brain overload. It has to get easier.

fun with Gramma

not so fun in the backseat of my car.... pumping, and GO!

I always wondered what a Mama does when she's sick and has a baby. Well I learned that the show must go on. I was pretty miserable for a week with either allergies or a bad sinus cold and it just so happened to be the SAME week Adlee had a HORRENDOUS allergic reaction to what we think was my Mom's laundry detergent. She had a bath at her house and next morning??! THIS!!

GASP!

it was hard to look at, but didn't phase this little nug...

What cured it? Breast milk and oatmeal baths!!! Who knew? It really is liquid gold. Sister was pretty uncomfortable with the rash and of course we I were worried it would never go away. But after a few baths she was good to go, thankfully.

no joke this was 2 baths later!! Hallalujah

As tiring as it all is and as overwhelming as it seems all it takes is a big ol grin from my girl and snuggles to make the stress all go away. This time last year I was giving myself injections and was smack dab in the middle of my IVF stim cycle almost ready for the egg retrieval
 I can't believe how far we've come. I had no idea what would happen from all of that and here I am caring for my 3.5 month old daughter. God is always good and His timing really is perfect. I am thankful for every crazy, exhausting, wild moment that I have with my little chica. My cup may runneth low on caffeine and low on energy, but it always runneth over!

 

oh hey Ma, just watching gymnastics <3

 

XOXO,

Andi