Gender Reveal & Pregnancy Update!

We could have gone either way in the "waiting to find out the gender" dept, and now that I've seen it both ways, I ABSOLUTELY recommend waiting on the first child. Not that it wasn't super fun to share the reveal with close friends and family because that part was awesome, but right after you find out the gender, you sort of feel like, "Okay, so where's the baby?!" HA! We had so much fun planning this gathering and deciding a fun way to reveal. Now that I know the gender, every little kick and movement is so much more exciting (an upside to knowing if it's a boy or girl) because I think to myself, "Well hello there sweet girl", and picture a miniature version of Adlee inside. We are SO THRILLED to announce that, IT'S A GIRL!!

 

 

 

 

While we would have been happy having either, I am honestly relieved that it's another girl. Being the youngest of two girls myself it's what I know best. Also, being born the same month as Adlee, I was saddened to think that all of her clothes would go to waste since this is our last bambino! Good news is, all the cute stuff gets to be re worn and relived through this babe. Plus, I know nothing about boys. It was certainly meant to be for this Mama!!

 

So far, at nearly 19 weeks, I've gained 10 lbs which is half of what I gained with Adlee (thank God!!) and I'm feeling pretty good! Once the 13 weeks of sickness passed, I've been in the honeymoon phase as they say. Some days I forget that I'm even pregnant, and this pregnancy I have craved much healthier foods. My 22w scan is the end of DEC at which point, once I see the placenta isn't high risk (like the first pregnancy), I'll probably try to up my activity and do some workouts. Honestly though, I'm happy with just walking the neighborhood and lugging around a 35 lb toddler for fitness. With utilizing 5 embryo, and 2 making it to fruition, I just want this pregnancy to end smoothly as well and then I can worry about a bangin' body. Not on the radar at the moment-- just trying to embrace this last pregnancy and continue to be a good Mama to my little AJ.

 

Everyday I realize how blessed I am. Every single day I thank God for these 2 miracles, and for blessing our journey to go exactly as I would have wished for. I'm so excited to raise these 2 little feisty chica's, who no doubt will remain fierce little ladies, considering they were the only 2 strong enough to hang in and make it to their Mama.

 

XOX,

Andi



How I spilled the news.....

Sort of a fun/interesting story to spill the beans on how I told Blair and family that I was expecting Baby #2. So a few days before my beta bloodwork I was on the line with my gf Allie who has also been trying to get pregnant for several years with her first. She and her husband had similar issues, with his low morphology being the concern. Her husband however, is/was not a fan of seeking out any fertility assistance and felt that in due time it would "just happen". Somewhere along the lines I think he beat Allie down because she sort of threw her hands up for awhile and gave up on the RE journey as well. But deep down, she was still doing everything she could do try and conceive that baby. Sooooo... on this particular day it was the Solar Eclipse. I was on the line with her around the time it was happening and she knew I was in the TWW, so she didn't mention the fact that she was two weeks LATE until then. We were talking about if I would wait until the beta or if I would pee stick at home again, and she happened to mention how terrified she was to pee herself because of how late she was. Insert me FREAKING out because she didn't tell me she was late, and also convincing her that it would be SO COOL to find out on such a monumental day such as a Solar Eclipse. Sooooo.... I told her to get her butt to the market and get an HPT. We then hung up.

 

I sat there thinking to myself, "it WOULD be really cool to find out that you're pregnant today. I'm entirely too early so when it's negative, there will be no need to freak out, as I still have plenty of time before the embryo should even be excreting HCG into my system".....I broke open an HPT and within seconds saw a faint line. I stood there, well actually I began jumping up and down in sheer SHOCK, yelling, "no....no way. NO WAY!! WHAAAT??" I then got my friend Shelley on Marco Polo to show her the test and record it all while continuing to jump up and down in shock. I did NOT expect a faint positive at all. Ironically enough, about an hour later, Allie sends me a picture of her + HPT and we got to share this happy day together. Pretty cool, eh?

 

 

SOOOO... when Blair got home we began talking about the Eclipse and I told him I stepped outside and got a really cool pic of it. He's totally not expecting a thing because again, I wasn't supposed to even cheat and find out for another few days. I pulled out my cell and showed him this..... 

then proceeded to text it to family members as well and surprise them. It was fabulous. Such a fun story and way to share with our loved ones!! 

12 Weeks!

Woohoo! We made it little nug. 12 week mark is here, and although it feels much longer than that with how sick I've felt since week 5, I'm so thankful we're here!! I'll probably announce it to all soon, especially because Adlee is already taking the liberty to. Yesterday at church she was shaking everyone's hands saying, "Hello! Good Morning, how are you? Mommy has a baby in her belly!!" HA! I mean..... what a little sweetpea. She doesn't miss a beat. I told her teachers this morning she was going to be a big sister in April, and one replied, "So that's why last week she asked Jacob if he wanted  a little sister, or a little brother?" That girl is one of a kind, and will make THE BEST Big Sissy! I'm excited to see their love for eachother unfold throughout the years.

 

I try to remind myself I'm pregnant most days. Not because I don't feel it, but because this pregnancy is just so much different than the first when it comes to having time to rest, think and bond. I started a new job 3 months ago with LifeVest and it's been a whirlwind of training and getting to know my accounts which has helped to distract, but made it extra challenging some days. Now that I'm entering second trimester, I'm hoping the fatigue and other first trimester aversions begin to subside a little bit. Last week was my last week of PIO shots and Estrace, so knowing those additional hormones aren't entering my body is a relief and has also helped quell some of the symptoms.

 

With Adlee we waited to find out the gender and it was SO AWESOME. I absolutely loved waiting to find out. However, this time I think we'll switch it up and do a fun gender reveal and give ourselves a bit of time to prepare. Either unpack all of Adlee's clothes since this baby will be born the same month as her, or do a little prep work on the bathroom and nursery to make it a little more masculine if it's a boy. Adlee will move over to her toddler room we are in the process of putting together, and baby will have her nursery. I'm excited to find out, and think that may help a bit with the bonding since pregnancy + work + toddler Mommin' and exhaustion doesn't leave alot of room for thinking about it. I will say though this baby is WAY more active than Adlee was and I can already feel pressure in certain parts of my pelvic area where baby is. I'm so excited to feel the flutters and movement soon too.

 

So far so good on all of the scans, and we're hoping and praying no high risk previa's or need for MFM this time. A smooth sailing, healthy pregnancy would be lovely but we're prepared for the punches too. I still pinch myself when I think Adlee gets to have a sibling and we get another one to love. Although we have no embryo left, and I'm at peace with this child being my last pregnancy, there's just something about this part of life that's so magical that I continue to thank God for the chance to grow another human and to expand our hearts capacity to love another child.

 

Until next update!

 

 

XOX,

Andi 

End of an Era

"I've paid my dues

Time after time.

I've done my sentence

But committed no crime.

And bad mistakes ‒

I've made a few.

I've had my share of sand kicked in my face

But I've come through.

We are the champions, my friends,

And we'll keep on fighting 'til the end.

We are the champions.

We are the champions.

No time for losers

'Cause we are the champions of the world.

I've taken my bows

And my curtain calls.

You brought me fame and fortune, and everything that goes with it.

I thank you all.

But it's been no bed of roses,

No pleasure cruise.

I consider it a challenge before the whole human race,

And I ain't gonna lose"..... 

"We are The Champions" -QUEEN 

All the shots have been taken, and the chapter in this hellish journey today has finally closed! Bye bye PIO!! 🙌🏻👏🏻 See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! This 6 year IVF/FET Journey is finally over, and all 5 of my embabies are with their Mama. 2/5 pregnancies is exactly what we'd hoped for, and continued prayers this baby continues to thrive and be born healthy. We are so grateful. 

God Gave us Two!!

.....it's been hard to keep it a secret, but the last time I posted the news here my cousin told my own Grandmother before I had a chance to, ha!! So this time we covered our bases before putting it out there on the interwebs. We'll still give it until the second trimester to go FB/IG official, but our last embryo transfer WORKED and I am 8.5 weeks pregnant! Yay!!

There are a few reasons I attribute this time to working. Medically, the endo scrapes certainly helped and I think the baby aspirin didn't hurt. Lots of prayers of course & our Maker gets all the cred, but if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. 

Our goal was to have two healthy children and so far we are on that path! I'm still shocked that Adlee gets to be a big sister, even though I feel like absolute crap & am for sure feeling very pregnant! I'm also feeling so so blessed. 

Baby will be due the end of April (same as Adlee) so although we waited to find out the gender with her, I think this time we'll try to prepare a little bit and find out at the 20 week scan. Stay tuned for all the exciting announcements to follow!! 

#TheBabyAlbright #dos is ON THE WAY!! 

Xoxo,

Andi 

Beta Day! 3 years to the date of embryo conception!

Today is such a special day. First off, it's BETA day! Eeeek!! I'll find out how much HCG is in my system today and if I'm pregnant. It's even more monumental in that it's also to the date, 3 years ago, that we conceived all of our (5) embryo! How COOL is that? Obviously I didn't plan it that way, although this time of year is the same time of year we conceived Adlee, it does seem like it's all too familiar with all the same happenings around me. The same season, same events are coming up (Alumni Game, Van Morrison Concert) it just HAS to be. I had a lot of signs with Adlee's pregnancy of a positive and to keep the faith, and this time has been the same way. Bunnies in the back yard, a bush of Queen Anne's Lace popped out of nowhere in our yard, and Blair couldn't cut a pepper without finding pregnant ones. He'd leave the "fetus" by my meds for inspiration, ha! Infertile couple humor at it's finest. So, I'm feeling really good about it this time and just trusting in the unseen.

 

For some reason the second transfer, I was SO SURE that I was pregnant. I felt it, I believed in it 100% and then I was knocked on my arse when it was negative. I couldn't believe that it didn't work! But, I trusted. I kept the faith that God had a plan for us, and He is always good. So we shall soon see.

 

2 KINGS 22:19

 

"Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the Lord, I also have heard you, declares the Lord"

 

COME ON LUCKY NUMBER 5!!! 

 

XOXO,

Andi

 



Transfer Day!

Everything today went off without a hitch! Better yet, Nurse Patty was in with us for the transfer and she's been around for both my sister and my transfers. She was with the original gang of nurses and my old doctor that my sister and I both conceived previously with, so it felt like home. A good luck charm of sorts! Nothing to report out of the ordinary with the transfer but this beauty who we hope and pray is here to stay. Gorgeous eh? ❤️

Also gorge are these lovely flowers my sister in laws sent me. They are so supportive through this (and 2/3 are currently pregnant!) and it's very appreciated. I'm sure as fertile as they are, it's hard to know what to say, but they always support me & for that I'm so very grateful. 

My day started with another great sign from a Daily Devotional I've been reading. I turned to today's page and yesterday and today were pretty fitting to what's going on with us. God works in mysterious ways, and I sure am praying that this is a sign for patience in the waiting because he's busy working on our next little Miracle Baby. 

He is good all the time, so whatever outcome we hear, I will trust that it's what's meant to be for our family. Easier said than done, but it really helps me in this process (that is SO HARD TO NOT WANT TO CONTROL) to just give it to God. I have done every single thing I can, so now we wait, and enjoy knowing that this little baby of mine is tucked in tight. So....stick baby stick! 

XOXOX,

Andi 

Endometrial scrape behind, new job, & learning center/daycare ahead!

"Cha Cha Cha changes".....

Lets start with the bad and get it over with, the Endo Scrape. It sounds about as fun as it was! This cycle, since again it's our last, I requested they pull out all the stops. This included a scrape. In short, research has shown that it can increase the chances for implantation so I'm all for anything that increases our chances, even if it sounds about as fun as eating a pile of dog poop. The scrape itself wasn't too terrible since I was so distracted by the pain of them using a cervical clamp to clamp my cervix while they got the catheter in. Apparently she made four nice scrapes and we are all set! Frickin' miz. Good news is, we are one step closer! Next to continuing meds, and an US to confirm uterus looks good, we will be all set to transfer mid August! We transferred the end of August with our successful "Adlee cycle", so I'm feeling really good about it.  Come onnnnnn embaby!

Next up, job sitch! I accepted an offer from Zoll Medical last week selling LifeVest here in the Kettering area. No more 2 state coverage, hundreds of products to juggle (if they aren't on allocation or backorder) and selling direct again vs. through distribution! WOO HOO! The product is fabulous to boot; it's literally a life saving vest (a wearable DFib) for pts who have suffered SCD (Sudden Cardiac Death). Typically they await an implantable device, or at the very least for their medications to be regulated and effective, so this LifeVest is worn to shock them back to life if they become unresponsive. Pretty dang cool! It's a lot on my plate right now, but it feels really meant to be so I'm really excited to be closer to home and learn a new call point and product. 

Lastly, Adlee starts at her new "school", aka learning center/daycare/eventual preschool this year! Agh! #holdme  It was really hard to leave her in home sitter, but she is so social and in need of structure that I think this is going to be the very best thing for her. It's also nice that it's close to Blair's school and a lot of the coaches kids already go there. Sad that she's so young and already parting in some ways, but as hard as it is to see her grow up, in the same breath I just remind myself how blessed I am to GET to see her grow up. 

As we approach transfer month, and the awareness that our last shot at parents is upon is, the pressure and stress certainly feels HIGH. There was a saying I saw last week that I identified with strongly with this whole experience and it was something like, "Everyone thinks I have it altogether when really I'm walking around with the sock in my shoe sliding down my heel"....because EVERYONE can relate to that annoying, pesky, uncomfortable and distracting comparison. It's spot on for what infertility and these cycles feel like. I can't just unlace my shoe and fix my sock and move on, it's a constant nag that consumes you everyday, until it doesn't any longer. I'm afraid of what that will look like if this cycle doesn't take. When that sock is fixed, it means it's The End. Each time there's been more embryo. More hope. This is the finale and that scares me to death. 

God has blessed us with more than we deserve and we will forever be grateful for little Miss AJ, but it sure would feel perfect & we would feel complete if we were able to conceive and parent one more. So, all we can do is try and pray and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know deep down that what is meant to be for our family will be, so I'm just trusting the process and trusting that it will work. At the end of the day I'm doing all I can, and that's really all that can be expected. 

COME ON AUGUST! Hoping it's a repeat of what August 2014 brought to us. Because it's turned out to be the most magical blessing of all....

XOX,

Andi

TAKE 3! {IVF that is}

Today officially marks my first Lupon shot, and the last and final (3rd) IVF cycle for us. The last round I was a nervous wreck when my meds arrived. I was anxious, and in hindsight I don't think I was ready. I also expected both to take or something crazy to unfold, and carrying twins after a high risk pregnancy the first time was always a possibility which TERRIFIED ME. Unfortunately (or fortunately), that didn't happen and we are now left with the one embryo! Our IVF batting average is 1 for 4 so far on this journey, so lots of hope for baby #5. It has always been our desire to have two children, so at least we have been halfway successful! Lots of prayers going up for this to be our second kiddo as we won't endure any other fresh IVF rounds to follow. Adoption has been tossed around as a possibility as well, but it's never a good idea to focus on your back up plan when you should be focusing on the plan at hand going successfully. So we will take this one step/day at  a time and see what unfolds for our little family. Any extra well wishes, thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated! 

Life with Adlee as a 2 year old is so much fun! This age is just awesome. Sure she has some toddler meltdowns from time to time and acts like a boss, but she is such a Mama's girl. I love that she's becoming more cuddly, and those hugs around the neck make my day. She is always looking out for me, loving on Nova, and has the kindest heart. Certain songs or commercials will make her cry, and every time there is a baby crying she's on high alert as to how she can make it better. It melts my heart and makes me even more hopeful that she gets to be a big sister someday soon! She's into dance parties, baking cupcakes, learning how to go on the big girl potty and loves gymnastics class. She's a bit of a mini-Momma if I must say so.....

We have a fun adults only trip to Napa planned for next week, so really looking forward to relaxing before I get back to some full throttle treatments. Since this is my last round, I've discussed with my doctor about pulling out all the stops. On top of Acupuncture per usual cycles, this time I'm adding baby Tylenol to the daily meds and also requested an endometrial scrape (Sayyy whaaaattt?). I know, I'm dreading it but anything to up the implantation chances! It's new, and there isn't alot of research released on it yet, but from what has been released, they say that by scraping the endometrial lining, it then signals the embryo to implant/repair the lining weeks to follow the scrape when transferred. Of course implanting is only half of the battle. The embryo then has to develop (yolk sac) and eventually have a HB, but it's a start! We shall see if these steps assist in a successful FET or not. 

I know at the end of the day it's all up to God. If this child is to be, He will breathe life into my womb and that's all I'm focusing on in order to stay sane. I'm doing all I can in regards to what I can control and if we are meant to have more, we will. If not, I will be heartbroken of course and need time to mourn yet another lost baby here on Earth, but I know that I'm a Mother of 5 little babies that were very much loved and wanted. I'm blessed to get to raise one of them and for that I'll forever be grateful! So here's to ROUND 3......I sure hope that all of my "firsts" as a Mother to Adlee aren't already my "lasts".  Please God let this be our next baby.

2 KINGS 22:19

XO,

Andi

ADLEE TURNS TWO! {letter from Daddy}

Sweet girl,

Every year on your birthday your Daddy writes you a note for your baby book, and although it's written and documented in there, I'd like to also add it to the blog this year because not only is he such a wonderful writer; I'm the nutjob Mom that worries we'll have a house fire one day and lose everything that I cherish all at once, including your baby book and our memories of you tucked inside! He is the introvert who takes the time to rehearse in his head what he's going to say, and probably did so for weeks before putting his pen to paper, so it would be perfect for the day he handed it to me to put away into your baby book for keepsakes! I know you cherish your Daddy as much as I do, but I hope one day you fall in love with his words, as well as an intelligent man with loving, thoughtful words just like him. Love you most, my beautiful darling. Happy second birthday! We will never stop thanking God for you, today and always. 

Love, Mom

4/27/2017

Dear Adlee James,

Happy 2nd Birthday!

You have been sleeping very well lately but last night was tough. You went to bed at 7:30pm. I woke up to you crying at 12:55am. I came into your room and proceeded to dig around your crib blindly and clumsily in a desperate search for your paci. As you cried I said; "Dont worry baby, I'm looking for it." Then I heard you say; "Hurry". (I laughed to myself) Finally, in a moment of sheer relief, I found the paci and returned it to your mouth. Then I rubbed your back while you quickly drifted off to sleep. 

An hour later, you were up crying again. This time, I could tell getting you back down wasnt going to be as quick and easy. You seemed wide awake and that was not a welcome sight for a tired Daddy. Mom came in and tried to rock you but you weren't having it. We feared that it was going to be a LONG night. We were correct, unfortunately. 

After some time trying to calm you, your Mom informed me that you were dry, warm, loved, and had your essentials (paci, blankey) so all we could do was to let you "settle, and cry it out". Who would have thought Mommy would be the tougher parent? She knew though, that this would teach you independence and the ability to self soothe. I struggled to resist the urge to return to your room but knew that Mommy was right. 

Another hour later, you were STILL crying!! We were dumbfounded. Almost any other child would have given up in that period of time, but not you. After some reflection, it should have been no surprise that this strategy would not be so effective on a child that is as feisty and determined as you have proven to be (even in just 2 years time). 

Your Mom turned to me and said something like; "This child!! Of course she would refuse to give up. She is RELENTLESS." I think it's fitting that this night, your birthday night, would reveal so much about the spirit that brought you into this world. 

For years of trying to become pregnant, we were met with repeated disappointment. Your Mom saw more negative pregnancy tests than she could count. But, she never gave up! She put herself through more and more rigorous processes in order to see her dream of you made into reality. 

When she took her pregnancy test that would ultimately show us that you existed, she was first convinced that she was viewing another crushing "single line" of a negative test. It wasn't until, incredibly dejected, Mommy went to Stephanie (who happened to stay over with us the night before) for a shoulder to cry on. Stephanie looked at the test herself and pointed out the faintest appearance of a "second line". You existed and Mommy was FINALLY pregnant, seemingly by the slimmest of margins. 

So, Mommy went to the doctor to confirm that she was, in fact, pregnant! They did an HCG test. A level of less than 5 is considered negative for pregnancy and a number of a least 25 is needed for most at home pregnancy tests to indicate a positive. Your number was 22. So? It wasn't negative, but it wasn't clearly positive either. The nurses told your mother that she was pregnant but that because of that low number, she would need to prepare herself mentally for a strong possibility of a miscarriage. 

Your Mom was faced with a choice of ATTITUDE. She could choose to view the situation with negativity and despair or with positivity and hope. She kneeled in our closet and begged God not to take this away from her. I can only imagine what that was like and tears well up in my eyes even writing about this powerful moment. Then she chose to embrace the fact that, in that moment, she WAS pregnant!! She would be grateful and she would love you for as long as you lasted. 

Even in that stage, when you were nothing more than a single cell, you possessed the spirit of a survivor. You literally "hung on for dear life." Doctors want to see that HCG number double with each passing day. Your number on the second beta was 38. Your odds for continued survival remained really low. But still, you persisted. And now you are here, as we celebrate your 2nd birthday! 

There is more to the story of your time in the womb, and you would face more challenges which I can reveal to you later. The point of telling this story, though, is to make the point that you are special. You beat all of the odds to make it into this world and I hope you always remember that in the way that you value your life. Last night was just a testament to who you are. You are a fighter and you have a warriors heart. Now to conclude the story: 

After that hour (of your continued crying), we gave up feeling outmatched and defeated. Mommy got you some milk and delivered it to your crib. I grabbed my pillow and blanket and lay down on the floor at the side of your crib. I didn't say anything at all; I just lay there searching for my own sleep. You immediately calmed down. When I woke up an hour later, you were out. I returned to my room and grabbed what I could of the hours I had left for sleep. It was a tiring night; but today, I feel really grateful that I was in the room with you at the exact moment (3:44am) that you came into our lives two years ago.

Now, for some of my favorite moments of your 2nd year of life:

--- I love watching you become more mobile. You went from crawling to walking to running to jumping to even walking the balance beam (or walking the "balance bean" as you call it).

--- You have developed such wonderful verbal skills and I absolutely love hearing you talk. My favorites are when you say; "I'll get you Blue ( a blue ball you liked in the pool on our trip to Clearwater), "I'll eat you Pirate Booty" (one of your favorite snacks), you have mastered every name we use for the family dog; "Nova", "Casanova, and our favorite, "Stink"  (you even know what infletion to use when you say it and in what circumstances it is most appropriate); but my favorites are "basketball", "Go Firebirds" and "I love you Daddy".

--- I love how musical you are. You love to sing and you have an amazing memory for lyrics (you get this from your Mama). It's not uncommon for you to bust out in song like "Wheels on the Bus" or "Yes Jesus Loves me" or "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" completely unprompted, or for me to put my ear to your bedroom door and hear you sing yourself a lullaby. You've even learned to tolerate the song "Happy Birthday" (which made you cry at your 1st Birthday Party).

--- I loved our vacations. Watching you enjoy the magic of Disney World this winter and enjoying our time together this spring in Clearwater Beach was special. Having a two year old can be limited on a vacation and does take away from the relaxation piece, but I can't imagine those trips being anywhere near as fun without having you there to keep us entertained and smiling.

--- I've loved watching you face new adventures. Like the way you like to climb on me and use me as a slide, or the way you stand and balance on my chest, or the way we play "Lion" and chase each other on all fours while letting out our "Roars" (yours has gotten so much better and more intimidating). I love the way you hug me in the morning after I change your diaper and dress you and I love when you give me kisses, right smack on the lips.

--- I love the way you soothe yourself when stressed or scared. You often repeat things to yourself that you've heard me say so many times; "Its ok baby, it's alright" and/or "Daddy's here".

---I love the way you love me. It's beyond wonderful to feel so adored by someone. And, frankly, I think I could have been better in my life in being more open to the people I love and in forging better relationships. You have given me a fresh start to "get it right" from the very start. I maybe haven't always been as easy to love as I would like to be and I've certainly never experienced the feeling of being so important in the life of another human being. I cherish that and I pray that I will never let you down in this way and that you will always know that you could never fully appreciate how deeply I love you!

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweetie. 

Daddy

Waiting for the blow

....... I'm sad to report that our sweet duo didn't make it to life. No + on the HPT or Beta bloodwork, and because they are already to the embryo phase, this cycle was considered a miscarriage. So incredibly sad.  My doctor replied when I asked her what happens to the embryo that don't survive, "they just become a part of you at a cellular level, they don't shed entirely, yet absorb into your being". How romantic, truly. They are where they belong, with their Mama. This bloodshed is tough, real tough. Yet somehow knowing they are always a part of me will always make me feel better. 

I have yet to cry. I haven't shed ONE tear. I'm not sure if I'm just numb, or if I have learned to put so much faith in our higher power that I understand fully what it means to truly let go and let what's meant to be prosper. I'm sure my process time has yet to come. That's sort of how I am; a delayed processor. I get angry and think of all the crack heads and shit parents who have as many kids as their fertile bodies desire. I question why God chooses these people over us, who are more than capable of loving every child we aspire to conceive. Why not us? Why not now? Then I take time to look at the present blessing we have been granted and I can't help but give glory to God in the same breath. I cannot feel ripped off in the least when I have the most perfect blessing on Earth that was created in His perfect timing. I am eternally grateful for that. Maybe that is why there are no tears. Maybe there is still a plan for us yet......

I'll always think of Christmas 2016 fondly as I was able to share it with these beauties snuggled in tight. 

 I imagined her being the bossy little Princess of the three kids. Teaching the youngins the ways of the land. She grabs her baby dolls and say's "baby, shhhhh. it's ok, it's ok"...and I imagined her doing no different with them. That's the downside to hope isn't it? The planning, the imagination, the places your mind takes you. I already imagined the positive pregnancy test on my Mother in Laws birthday. Calling her from Disney via Facetime and showing her Adlee's "new toy" from the park, aka the positive pregnancy test she'd be swinging around like a wand. The joy on their faces to be grandparents again.....

I'm not giving up hope for our last embaby awaiting us. I'm not sure when we'll roll into that cycle, but I just want to take the time I need to process this loss and wrap my head around what's best for us in the future. Time will tell what's meant to be for our little family, God won't abandon our hearts desires, His plan is greater than mine. I'll put my faith into what's meant to be in the meantime and focus on the most precious blessing that's been given to us already. 

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.

Although you weren't to be my littles, you were very wanted & very loved. 

XO,

Andi