Heavy Hearted

It is with great sadness that I have to announce the passing of my sweet stillborn nephew, Finley Ray. My sister was 21w pregnant with him when she called me Monday morning to tell me she was en route to the hospital having contractions. She has a child already so of course she knows what contractions feel like even though I tried my best to pep talk her through the drive with "it could always be Braxton Hicks.... are you sure? Hmm, perhaps it's just ____? Well, lets just stay as calm as possible until we know". When she parked the car, her water broke so we all knew it wasn't going to be good. Once they got an US to her, there was no HB. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at my high risk appointment in the waiting room waiting for my US to check the vasa previa conditions, bawling and heartbroken for my sister. This just CANT be happening I thought...there has to be some kind of mistake. Unfortunately, there wasn't. 

For the past month my sister felt like something was wrong because she had been bleeding daily. Like, fill a maxi pad daily kind of bleeding, not just brown spotting. She had been to the ER, her OB and MFM several times at which everyone told her that she just had a "small clot" she was passing. Then it was a Subchorionic Hematoma, which essentially lead to the demise of the baby. Until the baby is mid 20s in the weeks of it's gestation there isn't much they can do if you go into pre- term labor as it cannot survive in even the NICU. So, they just kept monitoring her. Well, God had other plans for her, Finn and our family because Monday her placenta ruptured and a stillbirth of Finn was the result. They don't know if he passed Saturday or Sunday but I'd like to think it was Sunday when family and friends were not only celebrating Baby A at my family shower she attended, but also excited and filled with love and hope for Megan and Paige's pregnancies. My sister in law who lost her daughter, Angel Baby Josie last June to HLHS + Trisomy 18 and also had to deliver her stillborn, is expecting again and is only 2 weeks behind my sisters former due date in July. I'd like to think Finn was surrounded with love when God decided he was needed in heaven. 

I went to be with my sister during her delivery as I couldn't bear knowing she had to go through it without me there to support her. At 28 weeks pregnant myself, I know the smartest thing may have been to avoid witnessing such a horrendous sight and traumatic experience, but my sister is the rock in her marriage and her husband is an emotional wreck. I knew she needed someone to hold her hand who could stand strong and omit as much strength as possible through her somehow to get through this. I tried my hardest, but of course there's no way to hold back the tears and hide the pain with something so so tragic. She passed a blood clot larger than her placenta before Finn arrived, and her ruptured placenta thankfully expelled vs. having to do a D&C. We got to hold Finn, at just under 1 lb and he looked like a mini version of her older son, with my grandpas nose that her and I also share. I wish I could say that at 21w they look peaceful & normal, but they don't. I'll never be able to erase the memory from my mind, but I'm so thankful that I know that I met him and got to see what an Angel on Earth looks like. I was able to snap some pictures for them of the first time they got to see him and the picture says 1,000 words. She was thankful to have it so I'm thankful I took a second to step back and document his arrival in body, but long gone in spirit. 

Rest in Peace our sweet Angel, Finley. I know you'll be watching over me and "Baby A" the rest of this pregnancy, and that I'll get to hold you again in a happier time in place. Auntie loves you. 

XOXO,

Andi

Eat in Kitchen Banquette - Weekend Project!

Let me just tell ya, this is pretty dreamy everybody. When we built the house, the only thing that came to mind for this open space off the kitchen was a reading nook/sitting area and/or an eat in kitchen banquette. It turns out, it can be used for both (and I also may or may not bring down my laptop from my home office and work from here in the future). It's view is of the back yard/open field nature preserve and the views are much better than the grey wall in our second guest room slash office. This room is right off our kitchen and flows into our living room whereas our dining room is right when you walk in the front door. It's a little more private which is nice for special events, but in the end, I think we'll use this eat in space daily. We have bar stools and seating now in the kitchen on the islands we eat at half the time but there's something scary about the vision of a bumbo chair sitting on a swivel stool that just doesn't sit right with me ;) 

I think I've taken 100 pics of it, and now sit on the couch for my coffee just to have view of this pretty new addition. I'll be hanging the deer/elk antler light fixture to bring in the rustic element to the room I love, and I need to have a custom bench pad made + add lots of colorful cozy pillows. There will be two chairs added on the non bench side and some curtains over the sliding back doors when I find the fabric I like, but all of that aside, the biggest {hardest part} is DONE! We loved the one I built in the nursery so much that we figured we'd do {and by we I mean me-- ugh, my husband is NOT handy} one in our eat in kitchen + a bench door to lift for storage. I figure this way, when people come to visit I can shove all the kid toys into the hutch, out of sight, and make my main floor look like it has it's shit together ;) Genius eh? 

I did learn my lesson here though. My sciatica hurt so bad after 8 hours working on this Saturday that I couldn't even WALK. No joke, I put myself on bedrest at 6:30pm and didn't MOVE again until Sunday at 8a! Lord, never again. I'm accepting help from here on out b/c that ish was PAINFUL. My mind is still working at the pace of a non pregnant person toting around 25 additional pounds. 

Here are some before/during/after pics. I'll update once we have it put entirely together, but I'm allowing myself a few months leeway to get the rest done :) It's such a simple project, if you have interest feel free to ask for the 'how to', I'll share!

BEFORE : BORRRRING

DURING!!!

AFTER!!!

elk/deer fixture will replace this one

2 of these bad boys will be facing the banquette: love love love! 

If you have any great fabric sites or drape sights you've had luck with for pillows and seating and such, I'm open for suggestions. But, the vision is slowly but surely coming together. Hope you all had a fun, relaxing and productive weekend as well {sans sciatica pain}!


XOXO,
Andi

26 weeks + happenings lately!

My bestie had a baby!! World, welcome Weston Henry Garee. What a babe! I spent the night with their precious family the other day and just love lovin' on both Evelyn and Weston, and Mama too of course. SO happy for this beautiful, completed, family of 4! 

Also, my good friend Liz had her sweet son, Graham & boy is he a doll. Babies, Babies, Babies! I see many play dates in our near future with these studs. 

I hope you're not sick of all my baby posts as of late but I'd rather journal here than actually write in a book. I promise I'll have a non related baby post coming soon as our contractor is building a beautiful, dreamy eat-in-kitchen area + banquette for us and will be done this weekend. Agh! Pics to follow. 

Without further adieu....

Maternity Clothes/Clothes: Current struggle? Trying to find something attractive and trendy to wear for maternity pics this month ... meh. Wanting to look like this.... 

When everything I try on makes me feel like I'll look like this instead.....

Weight Gain:  25lbs, yep you read that right. Holy crap. Now that i'm on pelvic rest I'm obviously not getting the exercise I need to burn these cals, and/or baby had a serious growth spurt but I'm packin em' on people! Oh well, baby is coming 5-6 weeks early so lets hope it goes to the babe as it should. 

Stretch Marks: None yet! Thank G. That's all I need .....

Movement: Moving NON STOP... twinkle toes up in hurrrr. 

What I'm loving:  Applesauce, Apples, Cinnamon Apple Sauce.... this kid may or may not come out an apple. Hmmm, maybe that's what Gwen Paltrow was thinking!?! Also cereal, peanut butter and jelly sammies..... so basically lots of sugar. And my glucose test is tomorrow, woopsie. Just add it to my tab!

Sleep:  Miz. Cant breathe, all stuffy, feel like Shamu the Whale every time I have to roll over, which is often. I feel like I'm digressing back to my first trimester in many ways. How does that happen?

Things I miss: Red wine.. like, the ability to drain the whole bottle. HA! 

Energy: Dragging. The congestion at night and trouble breathing impairs my days to follow. I really didn't expect this to happen so soon. Also, I keep saying "so soon" in statements like I just said and Blair corrects me immediately to follow. "Andi? So soon, really? You're almost 7 months pregnant". Which brings me to my next point: I'm starting to feel a bit of denial about all of this. There is a baby in my stomach. There is a baby coming home forever with us in mere months. There is a baby in my stomach.... these thoughts are present now whereas they weren't before. Not that I'm not ecstatic to meet our sweetie after the long hard journey, but that doesn't mean some life altering shock isn't present as well. 

Workouts:  Ugh. I miss them terribly. All I'm able to do now is walk. At a normal pace. I went to the gym and did 2 miles on the track and kid you not, 70 year olds were lapping me. It wasn't pretty. I've never been more ready to KILL IT at the gym however, so perhaps this hiatus is what I needed to re motivate ;)

Symptoms: " No air air.... tell me how I'm 'sposed to breathe with no air air".... -Jordyn Sparks

Next Ultrasound, 2/23: Last U/S showed that my cervix had lengthened a bit (thank you God!) so they gave me 4 weeks until my next appt, at which point I'll be coming in every week and admitted at any time from there on out. Still hoping and praying for 32w before I'm locked up.... but all is looking great right now, so just trying to Carpe Diem! :)

Honestly, I think when this is all said and done I will look back and say that I had a really enjoyable pregnancy. With the added VP stress and of course it being my first time, there's alot of uncertainty but I've loved carrying this sweet babe even if it's a bit uncomfy from time to time. Feeling your little human move inside you is truly a treat that I'm thankful to feel each and every day.

Xoxox,

Andi