Endometrial scrape behind, new job, & learning center/daycare ahead!

"Cha Cha Cha changes".....

Lets start with the bad and get it over with, the Endo Scrape. It sounds about as fun as it was! This cycle, since again it's our last, I requested they pull out all the stops. This included a scrape. In short, research has shown that it can increase the chances for implantation so I'm all for anything that increases our chances, even if it sounds about as fun as eating a pile of dog poop. The scrape itself wasn't too terrible since I was so distracted by the pain of them using a cervical clamp to clamp my cervix while they got the catheter in. Apparently she made four nice scrapes and we are all set! Frickin' miz. Good news is, we are one step closer! Next to continuing meds, and an US to confirm uterus looks good, we will be all set to transfer mid August! We transferred the end of August with our successful "Adlee cycle", so I'm feeling really good about it.  Come onnnnnn embaby!

Next up, job sitch! I accepted an offer from Zoll Medical last week selling LifeVest here in the Kettering area. No more 2 state coverage, hundreds of products to juggle (if they aren't on allocation or backorder) and selling direct again vs. through distribution! WOO HOO! The product is fabulous to boot; it's literally a life saving vest (a wearable DFib) for pts who have suffered SCD (Sudden Cardiac Death). Typically they await an implantable device, or at the very least for their medications to be regulated and effective, so this LifeVest is worn to shock them back to life if they become unresponsive. Pretty dang cool! It's a lot on my plate right now, but it feels really meant to be so I'm really excited to be closer to home and learn a new call point and product. 

Lastly, Adlee starts at her new "school", aka learning center/daycare/eventual preschool this year! Agh! #holdme  It was really hard to leave her in home sitter, but she is so social and in need of structure that I think this is going to be the very best thing for her. It's also nice that it's close to Blair's school and a lot of the coaches kids already go there. Sad that she's so young and already parting in some ways, but as hard as it is to see her grow up, in the same breath I just remind myself how blessed I am to GET to see her grow up. 

As we approach transfer month, and the awareness that our last shot at parents is upon is, the pressure and stress certainly feels HIGH. There was a saying I saw last week that I identified with strongly with this whole experience and it was something like, "Everyone thinks I have it altogether when really I'm walking around with the sock in my shoe sliding down my heel"....because EVERYONE can relate to that annoying, pesky, uncomfortable and distracting comparison. It's spot on for what infertility and these cycles feel like. I can't just unlace my shoe and fix my sock and move on, it's a constant nag that consumes you everyday, until it doesn't any longer. I'm afraid of what that will look like if this cycle doesn't take. When that sock is fixed, it means it's The End. Each time there's been more embryo. More hope. This is the finale and that scares me to death. 

God has blessed us with more than we deserve and we will forever be grateful for little Miss AJ, but it sure would feel perfect & we would feel complete if we were able to conceive and parent one more. So, all we can do is try and pray and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know deep down that what is meant to be for our family will be, so I'm just trusting the process and trusting that it will work. At the end of the day I'm doing all I can, and that's really all that can be expected. 

COME ON AUGUST! Hoping it's a repeat of what August 2014 brought to us. Because it's turned out to be the most magical blessing of all....

XOX,

Andi

TAKE 3! {IVF that is}

Today officially marks my first Lupon shot, and the last and final (3rd) IVF cycle for us. The last round I was a nervous wreck when my meds arrived. I was anxious, and in hindsight I don't think I was ready. I also expected both to take or something crazy to unfold, and carrying twins after a high risk pregnancy the first time was always a possibility which TERRIFIED ME. Unfortunately (or fortunately), that didn't happen and we are now left with the one embryo! Our IVF batting average is 1 for 4 so far on this journey, so lots of hope for baby #5. It has always been our desire to have two children, so at least we have been halfway successful! Lots of prayers going up for this to be our second kiddo as we won't endure any other fresh IVF rounds to follow. Adoption has been tossed around as a possibility as well, but it's never a good idea to focus on your back up plan when you should be focusing on the plan at hand going successfully. So we will take this one step/day at  a time and see what unfolds for our little family. Any extra well wishes, thoughts and prayers are very much appreciated! 

Life with Adlee as a 2 year old is so much fun! This age is just awesome. Sure she has some toddler meltdowns from time to time and acts like a boss, but she is such a Mama's girl. I love that she's becoming more cuddly, and those hugs around the neck make my day. She is always looking out for me, loving on Nova, and has the kindest heart. Certain songs or commercials will make her cry, and every time there is a baby crying she's on high alert as to how she can make it better. It melts my heart and makes me even more hopeful that she gets to be a big sister someday soon! She's into dance parties, baking cupcakes, learning how to go on the big girl potty and loves gymnastics class. She's a bit of a mini-Momma if I must say so.....

We have a fun adults only trip to Napa planned for next week, so really looking forward to relaxing before I get back to some full throttle treatments. Since this is my last round, I've discussed with my doctor about pulling out all the stops. On top of Acupuncture per usual cycles, this time I'm adding baby Tylenol to the daily meds and also requested an endometrial scrape (Sayyy whaaaattt?). I know, I'm dreading it but anything to up the implantation chances! It's new, and there isn't alot of research released on it yet, but from what has been released, they say that by scraping the endometrial lining, it then signals the embryo to implant/repair the lining weeks to follow the scrape when transferred. Of course implanting is only half of the battle. The embryo then has to develop (yolk sac) and eventually have a HB, but it's a start! We shall see if these steps assist in a successful FET or not. 

I know at the end of the day it's all up to God. If this child is to be, He will breathe life into my womb and that's all I'm focusing on in order to stay sane. I'm doing all I can in regards to what I can control and if we are meant to have more, we will. If not, I will be heartbroken of course and need time to mourn yet another lost baby here on Earth, but I know that I'm a Mother of 5 little babies that were very much loved and wanted. I'm blessed to get to raise one of them and for that I'll forever be grateful! So here's to ROUND 3......I sure hope that all of my "firsts" as a Mother to Adlee aren't already my "lasts".  Please God let this be our next baby.

2 KINGS 22:19

XO,

Andi

ADLEE TURNS TWO! {letter from Daddy}

Sweet girl,

Every year on your birthday your Daddy writes you a note for your baby book, and although it's written and documented in there, I'd like to also add it to the blog this year because not only is he such a wonderful writer; I'm the nutjob Mom that worries we'll have a house fire one day and lose everything that I cherish all at once, including your baby book and our memories of you tucked inside! He is the introvert who takes the time to rehearse in his head what he's going to say, and probably did so for weeks before putting his pen to paper, so it would be perfect for the day he handed it to me to put away into your baby book for keepsakes! I know you cherish your Daddy as much as I do, but I hope one day you fall in love with his words, as well as an intelligent man with loving, thoughtful words just like him. Love you most, my beautiful darling. Happy second birthday! We will never stop thanking God for you, today and always. 

Love, Mom

4/27/2017

Dear Adlee James,

Happy 2nd Birthday!

You have been sleeping very well lately but last night was tough. You went to bed at 7:30pm. I woke up to you crying at 12:55am. I came into your room and proceeded to dig around your crib blindly and clumsily in a desperate search for your paci. As you cried I said; "Dont worry baby, I'm looking for it." Then I heard you say; "Hurry". (I laughed to myself) Finally, in a moment of sheer relief, I found the paci and returned it to your mouth. Then I rubbed your back while you quickly drifted off to sleep. 

An hour later, you were up crying again. This time, I could tell getting you back down wasnt going to be as quick and easy. You seemed wide awake and that was not a welcome sight for a tired Daddy. Mom came in and tried to rock you but you weren't having it. We feared that it was going to be a LONG night. We were correct, unfortunately. 

After some time trying to calm you, your Mom informed me that you were dry, warm, loved, and had your essentials (paci, blankey) so all we could do was to let you "settle, and cry it out". Who would have thought Mommy would be the tougher parent? She knew though, that this would teach you independence and the ability to self soothe. I struggled to resist the urge to return to your room but knew that Mommy was right. 

Another hour later, you were STILL crying!! We were dumbfounded. Almost any other child would have given up in that period of time, but not you. After some reflection, it should have been no surprise that this strategy would not be so effective on a child that is as feisty and determined as you have proven to be (even in just 2 years time). 

Your Mom turned to me and said something like; "This child!! Of course she would refuse to give up. She is RELENTLESS." I think it's fitting that this night, your birthday night, would reveal so much about the spirit that brought you into this world. 

For years of trying to become pregnant, we were met with repeated disappointment. Your Mom saw more negative pregnancy tests than she could count. But, she never gave up! She put herself through more and more rigorous processes in order to see her dream of you made into reality. 

When she took her pregnancy test that would ultimately show us that you existed, she was first convinced that she was viewing another crushing "single line" of a negative test. It wasn't until, incredibly dejected, Mommy went to Stephanie (who happened to stay over with us the night before) for a shoulder to cry on. Stephanie looked at the test herself and pointed out the faintest appearance of a "second line". You existed and Mommy was FINALLY pregnant, seemingly by the slimmest of margins. 

So, Mommy went to the doctor to confirm that she was, in fact, pregnant! They did an HCG test. A level of less than 5 is considered negative for pregnancy and a number of a least 25 is needed for most at home pregnancy tests to indicate a positive. Your number was 22. So? It wasn't negative, but it wasn't clearly positive either. The nurses told your mother that she was pregnant but that because of that low number, she would need to prepare herself mentally for a strong possibility of a miscarriage. 

Your Mom was faced with a choice of ATTITUDE. She could choose to view the situation with negativity and despair or with positivity and hope. She kneeled in our closet and begged God not to take this away from her. I can only imagine what that was like and tears well up in my eyes even writing about this powerful moment. Then she chose to embrace the fact that, in that moment, she WAS pregnant!! She would be grateful and she would love you for as long as you lasted. 

Even in that stage, when you were nothing more than a single cell, you possessed the spirit of a survivor. You literally "hung on for dear life." Doctors want to see that HCG number double with each passing day. Your number on the second beta was 38. Your odds for continued survival remained really low. But still, you persisted. And now you are here, as we celebrate your 2nd birthday! 

There is more to the story of your time in the womb, and you would face more challenges which I can reveal to you later. The point of telling this story, though, is to make the point that you are special. You beat all of the odds to make it into this world and I hope you always remember that in the way that you value your life. Last night was just a testament to who you are. You are a fighter and you have a warriors heart. Now to conclude the story: 

After that hour (of your continued crying), we gave up feeling outmatched and defeated. Mommy got you some milk and delivered it to your crib. I grabbed my pillow and blanket and lay down on the floor at the side of your crib. I didn't say anything at all; I just lay there searching for my own sleep. You immediately calmed down. When I woke up an hour later, you were out. I returned to my room and grabbed what I could of the hours I had left for sleep. It was a tiring night; but today, I feel really grateful that I was in the room with you at the exact moment (3:44am) that you came into our lives two years ago.

Now, for some of my favorite moments of your 2nd year of life:

--- I love watching you become more mobile. You went from crawling to walking to running to jumping to even walking the balance beam (or walking the "balance bean" as you call it).

--- You have developed such wonderful verbal skills and I absolutely love hearing you talk. My favorites are when you say; "I'll get you Blue ( a blue ball you liked in the pool on our trip to Clearwater), "I'll eat you Pirate Booty" (one of your favorite snacks), you have mastered every name we use for the family dog; "Nova", "Casanova, and our favorite, "Stink"  (you even know what infletion to use when you say it and in what circumstances it is most appropriate); but my favorites are "basketball", "Go Firebirds" and "I love you Daddy".

--- I love how musical you are. You love to sing and you have an amazing memory for lyrics (you get this from your Mama). It's not uncommon for you to bust out in song like "Wheels on the Bus" or "Yes Jesus Loves me" or "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" completely unprompted, or for me to put my ear to your bedroom door and hear you sing yourself a lullaby. You've even learned to tolerate the song "Happy Birthday" (which made you cry at your 1st Birthday Party).

--- I loved our vacations. Watching you enjoy the magic of Disney World this winter and enjoying our time together this spring in Clearwater Beach was special. Having a two year old can be limited on a vacation and does take away from the relaxation piece, but I can't imagine those trips being anywhere near as fun without having you there to keep us entertained and smiling.

--- I've loved watching you face new adventures. Like the way you like to climb on me and use me as a slide, or the way you stand and balance on my chest, or the way we play "Lion" and chase each other on all fours while letting out our "Roars" (yours has gotten so much better and more intimidating). I love the way you hug me in the morning after I change your diaper and dress you and I love when you give me kisses, right smack on the lips.

--- I love the way you soothe yourself when stressed or scared. You often repeat things to yourself that you've heard me say so many times; "Its ok baby, it's alright" and/or "Daddy's here".

---I love the way you love me. It's beyond wonderful to feel so adored by someone. And, frankly, I think I could have been better in my life in being more open to the people I love and in forging better relationships. You have given me a fresh start to "get it right" from the very start. I maybe haven't always been as easy to love as I would like to be and I've certainly never experienced the feeling of being so important in the life of another human being. I cherish that and I pray that I will never let you down in this way and that you will always know that you could never fully appreciate how deeply I love you!

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweetie. 

Daddy

Waiting for the blow

....... I'm sad to report that our sweet duo didn't make it to life. No + on the HPT or Beta bloodwork, and because they are already to the embryo phase, this cycle was considered a miscarriage. So incredibly sad.  My doctor replied when I asked her what happens to the embryo that don't survive, "they just become a part of you at a cellular level, they don't shed entirely, yet absorb into your being". How romantic, truly. They are where they belong, with their Mama. This bloodshed is tough, real tough. Yet somehow knowing they are always a part of me will always make me feel better. 

I have yet to cry. I haven't shed ONE tear. I'm not sure if I'm just numb, or if I have learned to put so much faith in our higher power that I understand fully what it means to truly let go and let what's meant to be prosper. I'm sure my process time has yet to come. That's sort of how I am; a delayed processor. I get angry and think of all the crack heads and shit parents who have as many kids as their fertile bodies desire. I question why God chooses these people over us, who are more than capable of loving every child we aspire to conceive. Why not us? Why not now? Then I take time to look at the present blessing we have been granted and I can't help but give glory to God in the same breath. I cannot feel ripped off in the least when I have the most perfect blessing on Earth that was created in His perfect timing. I am eternally grateful for that. Maybe that is why there are no tears. Maybe there is still a plan for us yet......

I'll always think of Christmas 2016 fondly as I was able to share it with these beauties snuggled in tight. 

 I imagined her being the bossy little Princess of the three kids. Teaching the youngins the ways of the land. She grabs her baby dolls and say's "baby, shhhhh. it's ok, it's ok"...and I imagined her doing no different with them. That's the downside to hope isn't it? The planning, the imagination, the places your mind takes you. I already imagined the positive pregnancy test on my Mother in Laws birthday. Calling her from Disney via Facetime and showing her Adlee's "new toy" from the park, aka the positive pregnancy test she'd be swinging around like a wand. The joy on their faces to be grandparents again.....

I'm not giving up hope for our last embaby awaiting us. I'm not sure when we'll roll into that cycle, but I just want to take the time I need to process this loss and wrap my head around what's best for us in the future. Time will tell what's meant to be for our little family, God won't abandon our hearts desires, His plan is greater than mine. I'll put my faith into what's meant to be in the meantime and focus on the most precious blessing that's been given to us already. 

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.

Although you weren't to be my littles, you were very wanted & very loved. 

XO,

Andi

Transfer Success

...was totally surreal. We were already back to pick up our babies from frozen daycare!! I was nervous that there would be a hiccup because the FET cycle has gone so smoothly (unlike every hurdle before the fresh & during!!). I wanted to hear that both embryo made the thaw, (which they did) and I also wanted the doctor to have a smooth try at inserting the catheter into my cervix (and she did). I was a lot more emotional this time during it because I now have a little sweet cherub face to attach to those sweet embabies. Watching them on the U/S enter my uterus was beautiful and scary at the same time; I got all teary at the reality of the fact that we were actually back for round two already. IT CAME TOO FAST!!! LIFE SLOW DOWN!!

It couldn't have gone smoother, the environment was really relaxed as was I, and I got to come home and watch Miracle on 34th Street while B made me some warm mac n cheese. There may or may not have even been a nap in that schedule. Say whaaat?? Telling me to go home and "couch rest" for 24 hours with a toddler and a husband who's gone for season was comical. However, he took the day off and was able to let me post up for a few hours and rest. He's a good man!

In all the ramblings this blog as seen regarding infertility, there are a couple things I know for certain:

1. B & I make a pretty damn good team. Conceiving while holding hands (hello super powers!!?) in front of 4 medical personnel, in a sterile room without having any pleasure isn't super awesome. Find someone who can make it light hearted along with you because the process is anything BUT lighthearted. 

Lucky hat from Ireland, cross & Josie medallion, hatch and attach socks. GAME STRONG!

2. I am a badass. I repeat, I am BADASS! {my painful PIO clumps in my rump, subQ bruises, and Cs scar all prove it). Fighting this stupid fight aint for the faint of heart. Learn to praise yourself when you're feeling a little mighty. 

3. In this journey I have become closer to God and gained an abundant amount of patience whereas before I had very little. For that I will always be thankful.

No matter what the conclusion of this cycle is, I will always have Adlee and that brings me a great amount of peace. I will always be "Strong as a Mother". It's been very different this round as I don't feel so desperate, if anything I have more anxiety of expanding my family and all of those changes it will bring, much like any other woman TTC. Nothing worth having comes easy, and I'm 100% trusting that whatever result we get in the next few weeks is absolutely meant to be.

Let the 2WW commence! Tuck in tight little embabies, Mama is happy to have you home!

They totally look like me don't ya think??! :)

XO,

Andi

HERE WE GO!

Turns out, blogging is NOT fitting in my already narrow window of free time, ha! I planned to document this journey much like I tried with my fresh cycle, but with a toddler, full time job, basketball season (single Mom life) AND the holidays fast approaching.... ain't happenin'. But that's ok! Because this time, there really isn't a whole lot to document. If an FET cycle was what conception was all about for us, I'd have 100 cycles! Seriously, piece of cake compared to a fresh IVF cycle. I will not EVER do another (shudders). These embryo are what we have and that is final ;)

So the cycle is basically oral meds and 1 shot of Lupron daily. I'm already done with Lupron, had my lining check yesterday (everything looks beautiful!) and started the dreaded PIO shots in the booty this a.m. Next to those? Complete breeze! I've been too busy to really process what is even happening this round, which is both good and bad. It's great because the last time was just all consuming both physically and mentally draining. This time? Not many side effects at all. With managing everything stated above, I really don't have time to worry until bed. My concerns are if it will work, if it won't. Will I have another terrible high risk pregnancy? I don't look forward to being in back pain, hand numbness, weight gain, peeing all night and not sleeping as which pregnancy does to ya! But, who DOES look forward to that? Eye on the prize. Eye on the prize!!! I worry if we'll have twins (we are transferring 2 of our 3 left this cycle), I worry that we'll have none. What if they don't all make the thaw? Normal concerns I presume, but just comes with the awareness which IVF brings. Overall, I am sooooo calm in comparison because there isn't the thought of, "Will I ever get to be a Mother" floating around in my head. So I think the calm comes from the fact I AM, and always will be and nothing can take that away. Sigh of relief. However, I enjoyed having a sibling! Although I have many close girlfriends that can be considered "sisters", there is just something about having that blood relationship. SO, here's to hoping and praying this round goes well.

I know it will all pan out exactly how it's meant to be, but we are sure hoping for another happy, healthy little nug for our Christmas Miracle.

Happy Holidays to all!!


XO,
Andi 

Life Lately

Dusting off the ol' blog here as it's been awhile since I've updated! Life has been crazy busy but so great. Adlee is almost 19 months old and is a little sponge. She is SUCH a talker and surprises me at all of the vocabulary she already knows. She sings her ABC's and is convicted to get them start to finish, she's almost there. She counts to 5, is obsessed with her buddy Nova and hasn't lost her ability to show her joy outwardly. She lights up our lives! B is back to season and it's really fun to see her in the social setting with all the high school boys. She adores them AND basketball (God help us). The last practice she was following a handful of guys yelling "LETS GO!" -ha-she's definitely her Father's Daughter but the perfect blend of a little Mama in that social personality she has. Things right now are really really good.... which is why we are ready for the next step. 

We have been tossing around the idea of a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) for a few months now and after seeing our new RE Dr. Reynolds, at Bethesda (as Dr. Hofmann is now retired but more on that story another day) she gave us the two thumbs up to move forward with the cycle. Like, now! EEEkkkkkk!!  At first I had so many conflicting emotions and questions flying around in my head. Will I love another child like I do Adlee? What if I have another terrible, high risk pregnancy? What if we have twins this time since two implanted during our fresh cycle? What if NONE of them take and it's just Adlee?

 Going through the RE route is all I know, but I'm sure that the natural conception and decision to "try again" also comes with some similar feelings and emotions and what if''s that we have. The timing worked out perfectly where we were encouraged to roll right into a cycle if we felt ready. I'm Type A, practical,over thinker so the timing of it all forced me to just jump. It was so unnerving at first but in hindsight it's been for the best and probably more like natural conception cycles work as well. Do we want siblings for Adlee? Yes. Did we agree/plan to use everything we produced from our fresh cycle? Yes. So really the decision was simple. The fear of pregnancy complications, doing it + a toddler and the risk for multiples (3 under 3? Lord help me if so!) was what was weighing on my mind. As I was filling out the paperwork I started bawling and just felt the urge to pray out loud. I immediately felt so much peace about moving forward with this cycle and now feel really excited about the next steps. So, here we go!!

Currently I'm on BC, Lupron injects every am + Doxy and a prenatal. Sooooo much easier than a fresh cycle so far. I do one lining check after I add in two other orals in Dec (Medrol and Estrace) and if all is a go then they'll do the transfer and I'll begin those dreaded PIO shots. I've started acupuncture again and really want to take the time to document what I'm going through again for the next babes sake. I was #2 in the birth order of children and let me just say, I have like THREE total baby pictures compared to the hundreds of my sister. Although I know I was loved the same, I didn't get the same amount of energy poured into baby books and such. So i'm really going to try hard to do the same for the next. As you can see/hear, I'm also taking the same "assumptive close" approach for this cycle regarding it's success! I'm a glass half full person and don't plan to change there. So if you're out there reading this, send baby dust, well wishes and prayers for a successful cycle that will give us no more than we can handle! It would be much appreciated. 

XOX,

Andi