33w, a letter to Adlee

Adlee James,

 

As we slowly inch closer and closer to my due date with your sister, I try to capture all the moments left just you and I. We play "tea party", jump on the indoor trampoline (you laugh and laugh at trying to show me how high you can jump, trying to impress me with the barely soaring heights you're little legs are making), and my favorite is laying with you at night when I tuck you in, talking about school and unwinding while I rub your back or stroke your hair. When you ask me, "Mommy, will you lay with me??" Some nights I'm really tired and want to tell you, "another time, sweetie", but then I think to myself that we never know if we'll get a next time, and more so than anything I'm just thankful that you want & need me. I know someday that you won't.  I know soon it will be more hectic juggling it all, especially while breastfeeding your sister, so I'm doing everything I can to bottle up our times together.

 

You have such a mature and kind way of looking at me pregnant that it can't help but rub off on me a little too!! The other day I stopped and looked in the mirror after giving you a bath, while cleaning up your bathroom and turning off the light. It was an especially long work day, your dad was gone coaching and I was left feeling on E after dinner, bath time and managing a pregnancy in it's third trimester. My hair was in a top knot, I was in a robe I'd worn every evening for 3 nights, and just thought to myself, "man you look haggard, and huge". At that very moment you came running around the corner and said, "Wow Mommy, Sissy is getting so BIG and STRONG in there. You're doing a GREAT JOB and then soon she'll POP OUT!!" You hugged my middle, yelled hello to your Sissy and gave my belly a big kiss. In that moment, I looked back in that mirror and snapped a pic of myself just to capture the me that YOU see; the one that you love and are proud of despite of the negative things I had been telling myself in my own mind. If we all could see and love eachother with the mind and innocence of a child, this world would be a much better place.

Your heart is so gentle and kind; I hope that always remains. You dropped your babydoll (Che) down the steps and ran down them sobbing big crocodile tears after her. You were apologizing, rubbing her back "shhhing" her telling her Mommy was here, that it was an accident. It absolutely broke my heart to see you sad and crying like that. It gave me a glimpse into the future where someday you'll come to me with a true broken heart. Things that I cannot protect you from or shield you from experiencing are things a parent can never prepare themselves for. Your happiness and security are always my main focus, which right now I can control. At the age where I won't be able to is one that I certainly dread. But, I won't get ahead of myself on that!! I just hope you are as pure and loving as you are today.

I'm really enjoying you at this age and can't wait to see you become a wonderful Big Sissy! There aren't enough words or ways for me to tell you how much I love you that will resonate loud enough; perhaps it'll take until you're a Mama yourself to truly know. I think on some level it did for me!! I hope you can feel our love for you deeply and that you know even though your sister will soon be in our arms, you will always be my baby. My first born. The one who made me a Mama and made my dreams a reality.

 

I love you so much!! More than yesterday, but less than tomorrow.

 

Always,

Mom 

YAY to the Third Trimester! The end is near + Maternity Picture Love

29 weeks and feeling pretty good! Belly is O.U.T & Large Marge in Charge has arrived! :) I've been pretty full throttle with work and managing Adlee through basketball season, but I'm beginning to hit a third trimester wall....understandably. It's amazing what the body can do and how far it can go/ stretch. Thankfully I got out with no stretch marks with Adlee and crossing fingers for the same with this babygirl. I have 0 idea how I couldn't have any, but I hear it's genetics. THANK YOU MOM/GRANDMA! I do have my Cs scar though that shows my stripes earned! Weight gain is increasing, and I'm +22 lbs, which overall isn't bad at all (just uncomfortable at only 5'2"). This body has fluctuated up or down 5 lbs it's entire post pubescent life so packing on that much is always a stark reality! I'm self conscious from time to time being in medical sales, as I'm waddling down the hospital halls & trying to not pant aloud after climbing the stairs when speaking to clinicians, but I'm also starting to just accept the fact that this is reality for me and pregnancy & it's all for a good cause. Daily reminder to self on that one. Some days are easier than others!

"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be." - Carrie Fisher
 

 

 

Baby girl is healthy, over 3lbs now and 15" or so, and that's really all that matters, truly. I've said it 100x, but I really can't believe I'm pregnant again most days. I told B last night as we were winding down for bed how overwhelming the idea is. Having a child, a human being, GROWING INSIDE OF YOU. Feeling little fingers and toes, seeing them move, getting to know them from the inside. It's so unreal to me, still. So much responsibility, so much can go wrong, yet somehow things somehow go right, it's just overwhelming when you really think of it. How far you've come together, how far you still have to go. All the what if's..... pregnancy is truly magical. I'm proud to be a woman every single day.


 

 

Adlee is at a great stage in life at nearly 3 years old, so that has been really helpful. I think she's going to be such an amazing big sister. She's so interested in this pregnancy, always talking about her sister & making Valentine's crafts for her & I  in school. I got my maternity pictures back, some of which made me cry, and it was hard to take in the fact I'll soon be sharing my time with her with babygirl to be. I know when they're old enough to play and interact together it'll feel like this is the way our family has always been, but I'm also trying to prepare for the difficulty of sharing my time with both and feeling like I can't give enough of myself to either. Let alone my job and marriage. A lot on women's plates these days.... so much to juggle.... yet, so much to LOVE!

 

I don't have any pictures of my Mom and I when I was a baby, let alone when I was en utero, so although I don't feel like I look optimal in these, it's not about me. I know we all will look back on them fondly. I already do. My two sweet little miracles, captured in time. Feeling so so blessed. There's not enough words to describe my happiness and gratitude for this life. Soon we'll be a family of 4, and I really just can't wait to see what that looks like!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

XO,

Andi

6 months along!! Pregnancy updates, life lately & Adlee as a Big Sister To Be!

 

6 months along now and time is going pretty quickly!! I'm starting to feel uncomfortable at nights (same as Adlee's pregnancy, my nose gets swollen during pregnancy and I have difficulty breathing when I lay down) and the amount of times I have to pee is INSANE. I've tried to consume more water this round as I swell to high heaven and I'm hoping that helps to flush the fluids out, but I swear I get a good 5 hours of sleep a night, and it's all broken up. Le sigh. Just getting me prepared for the feeds every 3 hours I suppose!

 

Speaking of, "how much does it suck to go back to the infant stage?", I wonder. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I very much am. However, when you have a toddler who sleeps 730p-7a every night and doesn't bother you whilst latching on to your nips every 3 hours like an infant, I wonder to myself how I'm going to go back there!? I assume the bond is instant, and the sacrifices come natural again. However, what I've found this pregnancy the second time around is that there is NO level of naivety. I am fully aware of the blast that is about to occur and the exhaustion that's ahead and I have to admit that's a bit scary now that we're in such a great place with a 2.5 year old. It is nice to cherish every step this second pregnancy however, as I know that it will more than likely be my last. Putting an end of a chapter to something is always a little difficult and makes you cherish exactly were you're at, so when I get a little anxious, I just try to focus on the fact that I've been there, done this before, and know that it's all a stage. Some hard, some lovely, but all passing. Embracing this stage while I have it.  

 

Other doubts and concerns: Will she be as cool and fun as Adlee? Will she have a joyous, easy going personality? Will she be more cuddly/needy and not as independent? Will she be anywhere as social? Will she nurse as easily? Please God don't let her be colicky like Adlee was as an infant. Will she set her own schedule, be as set and timed as Adlee was about everything? Will she just go along with the flow like they say most second children do? I'm a second child, so I sure hope to connect and love her as much as the first. I know these are silly thoughts and one shouldn't compare, but my MO is typically full throttle, and then when the end of the journey arrives or it's "go time" I completely FREAK internally. As they were wheeling me down to the OR with Adlee, I was asking Blair if we would be good parents, would we love her as much as we think we will/do now, what if we didn't like being parents?!! I'm ridiculous, I realize that. But the struggle is real, and this is what I think about. I look forward to the day I can say, like most parents do, "it's as if she was a part of our family all along".

   

At 24 weeks, I've gained 18 lbs, and overall feel pretty energetic. I've been able to keep up with YOGA workouts and such, light lifting and doing enough to keep my endorphins up. However, it's been in the negative degrees so my walks have been cut short. This pregnancy I've craved bananas and rice cakes + peanut butter. I cut out most dairy post pregnancy with Adlee, but this round I've definitely craved milk and more calcium rich foods. Overall, I haven't had many/any aversions and next to the swelling, nose sitch again, haven't had many other side effects that are discerning. I passed the 20w scan with flying colors and currently no issues or placenta concerns, so that's most important. Hopefully these are all signs that baby girl is going to be easy going and not the opposite of how her pregnancy as been, HA!!

 

Adlee has transitioned over to her toddler room/bed with ease and the nursery is all unpacked and ready for the arrival of baby girl #2! Now, if we could only get her potty trained (eye roll) we'll have checked the boxes of all of our pre-baby to do's, but that's not going over quite as easily as I expected. She totally understands the concept, and wants to rock her Princess Panties, but has 0 desire to actually go on the potty. Gf is stubborn, per usual, and will sit there for HOURS, then get up and pee on the floor. With it being basketball season and PLENTY on our plates currently, we've decided to wait until Spring Break in March to focus on it whole heartedly, unless she seems ready beforehand. Crossing fingers I'm not buying toddler AND newborn diapers, sweet Lord!

  That's all the updates for now. I've been slacking on blog time, but wanted to check in briefly to document what's up as being a second child myself with very little documentations and pictures to see from then vs. my older sisters; I just cant go doing that to babygirl! We can't wait to see her in April and witness all the big sister love that's coming her way. Adlee is THRILLED and loves oiling my belly, talking to her sister, and often shouts out of nowhere, "I'm going to be a big sister!! I LOVE YOU SISSY!!" It just melts my heart.....

 

 

Until next time,

 

Andi



Gender Reveal & Pregnancy Update!

We could have gone either way in the "waiting to find out the gender" dept, and now that I've seen it both ways, I ABSOLUTELY recommend waiting on the first child. Not that it wasn't super fun to share the reveal with close friends and family because that part was awesome, but right after you find out the gender, you sort of feel like, "Okay, so where's the baby?!" HA! We had so much fun planning this gathering and deciding a fun way to reveal. Now that I know the gender, every little kick and movement is so much more exciting (an upside to knowing if it's a boy or girl) because I think to myself, "Well hello there sweet girl", and picture a miniature version of Adlee inside. We are SO THRILLED to announce that, IT'S A GIRL!!

 

 

 

 

While we would have been happy having either, I am honestly relieved that it's another girl. Being the youngest of two girls myself it's what I know best. Also, being born the same month as Adlee, I was saddened to think that all of her clothes would go to waste since this is our last bambino! Good news is, all the cute stuff gets to be re worn and relived through this babe. Plus, I know nothing about boys. It was certainly meant to be for this Mama!!

 

So far, at nearly 19 weeks, I've gained 10 lbs which is half of what I gained with Adlee (thank God!!) and I'm feeling pretty good! Once the 13 weeks of sickness passed, I've been in the honeymoon phase as they say. Some days I forget that I'm even pregnant, and this pregnancy I have craved much healthier foods. My 22w scan is the end of DEC at which point, once I see the placenta isn't high risk (like the first pregnancy), I'll probably try to up my activity and do some workouts. Honestly though, I'm happy with just walking the neighborhood and lugging around a 35 lb toddler for fitness. With utilizing 5 embryo, and 2 making it to fruition, I just want this pregnancy to end smoothly as well and then I can worry about a bangin' body. Not on the radar at the moment-- just trying to embrace this last pregnancy and continue to be a good Mama to my little AJ.

 

Everyday I realize how blessed I am. Every single day I thank God for these 2 miracles, and for blessing our journey to go exactly as I would have wished for. I'm so excited to raise these 2 little feisty chica's, who no doubt will remain fierce little ladies, considering they were the only 2 strong enough to hang in and make it to their Mama.

 

XOX,

Andi



How I spilled the news.....

Sort of a fun/interesting story to spill the beans on how I told Blair and family that I was expecting Baby #2. So a few days before my beta bloodwork I was on the line with my gf Allie who has also been trying to get pregnant for several years with her first. She and her husband had similar issues, with his low morphology being the concern. Her husband however, is/was not a fan of seeking out any fertility assistance and felt that in due time it would "just happen". Somewhere along the lines I think he beat Allie down because she sort of threw her hands up for awhile and gave up on the RE journey as well. But deep down, she was still doing everything she could do try and conceive that baby. Sooooo... on this particular day it was the Solar Eclipse. I was on the line with her around the time it was happening and she knew I was in the TWW, so she didn't mention the fact that she was two weeks LATE until then. We were talking about if I would wait until the beta or if I would pee stick at home again, and she happened to mention how terrified she was to pee herself because of how late she was. Insert me FREAKING out because she didn't tell me she was late, and also convincing her that it would be SO COOL to find out on such a monumental day such as a Solar Eclipse. Sooooo.... I told her to get her butt to the market and get an HPT. We then hung up.

 

I sat there thinking to myself, "it WOULD be really cool to find out that you're pregnant today. I'm entirely too early so when it's negative, there will be no need to freak out, as I still have plenty of time before the embryo should even be excreting HCG into my system".....I broke open an HPT and within seconds saw a faint line. I stood there, well actually I began jumping up and down in sheer SHOCK, yelling, "no....no way. NO WAY!! WHAAAT??" I then got my friend Shelley on Marco Polo to show her the test and record it all while continuing to jump up and down in shock. I did NOT expect a faint positive at all. Ironically enough, about an hour later, Allie sends me a picture of her + HPT and we got to share this happy day together. Pretty cool, eh?

 

 

SOOOO... when Blair got home we began talking about the Eclipse and I told him I stepped outside and got a really cool pic of it. He's totally not expecting a thing because again, I wasn't supposed to even cheat and find out for another few days. I pulled out my cell and showed him this..... 

then proceeded to text it to family members as well and surprise them. It was fabulous. Such a fun story and way to share with our loved ones!! 

12 Weeks!

Woohoo! We made it little nug. 12 week mark is here, and although it feels much longer than that with how sick I've felt since week 5, I'm so thankful we're here!! I'll probably announce it to all soon, especially because Adlee is already taking the liberty to. Yesterday at church she was shaking everyone's hands saying, "Hello! Good Morning, how are you? Mommy has a baby in her belly!!" HA! I mean..... what a little sweetpea. She doesn't miss a beat. I told her teachers this morning she was going to be a big sister in April, and one replied, "So that's why last week she asked Jacob if he wanted  a little sister, or a little brother?" That girl is one of a kind, and will make THE BEST Big Sissy! I'm excited to see their love for eachother unfold throughout the years.

 

I try to remind myself I'm pregnant most days. Not because I don't feel it, but because this pregnancy is just so much different than the first when it comes to having time to rest, think and bond. I started a new job 3 months ago with LifeVest and it's been a whirlwind of training and getting to know my accounts which has helped to distract, but made it extra challenging some days. Now that I'm entering second trimester, I'm hoping the fatigue and other first trimester aversions begin to subside a little bit. Last week was my last week of PIO shots and Estrace, so knowing those additional hormones aren't entering my body is a relief and has also helped quell some of the symptoms.

 

With Adlee we waited to find out the gender and it was SO AWESOME. I absolutely loved waiting to find out. However, this time I think we'll switch it up and do a fun gender reveal and give ourselves a bit of time to prepare. Either unpack all of Adlee's clothes since this baby will be born the same month as her, or do a little prep work on the bathroom and nursery to make it a little more masculine if it's a boy. Adlee will move over to her toddler room we are in the process of putting together, and baby will have her nursery. I'm excited to find out, and think that may help a bit with the bonding since pregnancy + work + toddler Mommin' and exhaustion doesn't leave alot of room for thinking about it. I will say though this baby is WAY more active than Adlee was and I can already feel pressure in certain parts of my pelvic area where baby is. I'm so excited to feel the flutters and movement soon too.

 

So far so good on all of the scans, and we're hoping and praying no high risk previa's or need for MFM this time. A smooth sailing, healthy pregnancy would be lovely but we're prepared for the punches too. I still pinch myself when I think Adlee gets to have a sibling and we get another one to love. Although we have no embryo left, and I'm at peace with this child being my last pregnancy, there's just something about this part of life that's so magical that I continue to thank God for the chance to grow another human and to expand our hearts capacity to love another child.

 

Until next update!

 

 

XOX,

Andi 

End of an Era

"I've paid my dues

Time after time.

I've done my sentence

But committed no crime.

And bad mistakes ‒

I've made a few.

I've had my share of sand kicked in my face

But I've come through.

We are the champions, my friends,

And we'll keep on fighting 'til the end.

We are the champions.

We are the champions.

No time for losers

'Cause we are the champions of the world.

I've taken my bows

And my curtain calls.

You brought me fame and fortune, and everything that goes with it.

I thank you all.

But it's been no bed of roses,

No pleasure cruise.

I consider it a challenge before the whole human race,

And I ain't gonna lose"..... 

"We are The Champions" -QUEEN 

All the shots have been taken, and the chapter in this hellish journey today has finally closed! Bye bye PIO!! 🙌🏻👏🏻 See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! This 6 year IVF/FET Journey is finally over, and all 5 of my embabies are with their Mama. 2/5 pregnancies is exactly what we'd hoped for, and continued prayers this baby continues to thrive and be born healthy. We are so grateful.