Transfer Success

...was totally surreal. We were already back to pick up our babies from frozen daycare!! I was nervous that there would be a hiccup because the FET cycle has gone so smoothly (unlike every hurdle before the fresh & during!!). I wanted to hear that both embryo made the thaw, (which they did) and I also wanted the doctor to have a smooth try at inserting the catheter into my cervix (and she did). I was a lot more emotional this time during it because I now have a little sweet cherub face to attach to those sweet embabies. Watching them on the U/S enter my uterus was beautiful and scary at the same time; I got all teary at the reality of the fact that we were actually back for round two already. IT CAME TOO FAST!!! LIFE SLOW DOWN!!

It couldn't have gone smoother, the environment was really relaxed as was I, and I got to come home and watch Miracle on 34th Street while B made me some warm mac n cheese. There may or may not have even been a nap in that schedule. Say whaaat?? Telling me to go home and "couch rest" for 24 hours with a toddler and a husband who's gone for season was comical. However, he took the day off and was able to let me post up for a few hours and rest. He's a good man!

In all the ramblings this blog as seen regarding infertility, there are a couple things I know for certain:

1. B & I make a pretty damn good team. Conceiving while holding hands (hello super powers!!?) in front of 4 medical personnel, in a sterile room without having any pleasure isn't super awesome. Find someone who can make it light hearted along with you because the process is anything BUT lighthearted. 

Lucky hat from Ireland, cross & Josie medallion, hatch and attach socks. GAME STRONG!

2. I am a badass. I repeat, I am BADASS! {my painful PIO clumps in my rump, subQ bruises, and Cs scar all prove it). Fighting this stupid fight aint for the faint of heart. Learn to praise yourself when you're feeling a little mighty. 

3. In this journey I have become closer to God and gained an abundant amount of patience whereas before I had very little. For that I will always be thankful.

No matter what the conclusion of this cycle is, I will always have Adlee and that brings me a great amount of peace. I will always be "Strong as a Mother". It's been very different this round as I don't feel so desperate, if anything I have more anxiety of expanding my family and all of those changes it will bring, much like any other woman TTC. Nothing worth having comes easy, and I'm 100% trusting that whatever result we get in the next few weeks is absolutely meant to be.

Let the 2WW commence! Tuck in tight little embabies, Mama is happy to have you home!

They totally look like me don't ya think??! :)

XO,

Andi

HERE WE GO!

Turns out, blogging is NOT fitting in my already narrow window of free time, ha! I planned to document this journey much like I tried with my fresh cycle, but with a toddler, full time job, basketball season (single Mom life) AND the holidays fast approaching.... ain't happenin'. But that's ok! Because this time, there really isn't a whole lot to document. If an FET cycle was what conception was all about for us, I'd have 100 cycles! Seriously, piece of cake compared to a fresh IVF cycle. I will not EVER do another (shudders). These embryo are what we have and that is final ;)

So the cycle is basically oral meds and 1 shot of Lupron daily. I'm already done with Lupron, had my lining check yesterday (everything looks beautiful!) and started the dreaded PIO shots in the booty this a.m. Next to those? Complete breeze! I've been too busy to really process what is even happening this round, which is both good and bad. It's great because the last time was just all consuming both physically and mentally draining. This time? Not many side effects at all. With managing everything stated above, I really don't have time to worry until bed. My concerns are if it will work, if it won't. Will I have another terrible high risk pregnancy? I don't look forward to being in back pain, hand numbness, weight gain, peeing all night and not sleeping as which pregnancy does to ya! But, who DOES look forward to that? Eye on the prize. Eye on the prize!!! I worry if we'll have twins (we are transferring 2 of our 3 left this cycle), I worry that we'll have none. What if they don't all make the thaw? Normal concerns I presume, but just comes with the awareness which IVF brings. Overall, I am sooooo calm in comparison because there isn't the thought of, "Will I ever get to be a Mother" floating around in my head. So I think the calm comes from the fact I AM, and always will be and nothing can take that away. Sigh of relief. However, I enjoyed having a sibling! Although I have many close girlfriends that can be considered "sisters", there is just something about having that blood relationship. SO, here's to hoping and praying this round goes well.

I know it will all pan out exactly how it's meant to be, but we are sure hoping for another happy, healthy little nug for our Christmas Miracle.

Happy Holidays to all!!


XO,
Andi 

Life Lately

Dusting off the ol' blog here as it's been awhile since I've updated! Life has been crazy busy but so great. Adlee is almost 19 months old and is a little sponge. She is SUCH a talker and surprises me at all of the vocabulary she already knows. She sings her ABC's and is convicted to get them start to finish, she's almost there. She counts to 5, is obsessed with her buddy Nova and hasn't lost her ability to show her joy outwardly. She lights up our lives! B is back to season and it's really fun to see her in the social setting with all the high school boys. She adores them AND basketball (God help us). The last practice she was following a handful of guys yelling "LETS GO!" -ha-she's definitely her Father's Daughter but the perfect blend of a little Mama in that social personality she has. Things right now are really really good.... which is why we are ready for the next step. 

We have been tossing around the idea of a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) for a few months now and after seeing our new RE Dr. Reynolds, at Bethesda (as Dr. Hofmann is now retired but more on that story another day) she gave us the two thumbs up to move forward with the cycle. Like, now! EEEkkkkkk!!  At first I had so many conflicting emotions and questions flying around in my head. Will I love another child like I do Adlee? What if I have another terrible, high risk pregnancy? What if we have twins this time since two implanted during our fresh cycle? What if NONE of them take and it's just Adlee?

 Going through the RE route is all I know, but I'm sure that the natural conception and decision to "try again" also comes with some similar feelings and emotions and what if''s that we have. The timing worked out perfectly where we were encouraged to roll right into a cycle if we felt ready. I'm Type A, practical,over thinker so the timing of it all forced me to just jump. It was so unnerving at first but in hindsight it's been for the best and probably more like natural conception cycles work as well. Do we want siblings for Adlee? Yes. Did we agree/plan to use everything we produced from our fresh cycle? Yes. So really the decision was simple. The fear of pregnancy complications, doing it + a toddler and the risk for multiples (3 under 3? Lord help me if so!) was what was weighing on my mind. As I was filling out the paperwork I started bawling and just felt the urge to pray out loud. I immediately felt so much peace about moving forward with this cycle and now feel really excited about the next steps. So, here we go!!

Currently I'm on BC, Lupron injects every am + Doxy and a prenatal. Sooooo much easier than a fresh cycle so far. I do one lining check after I add in two other orals in Dec (Medrol and Estrace) and if all is a go then they'll do the transfer and I'll begin those dreaded PIO shots. I've started acupuncture again and really want to take the time to document what I'm going through again for the next babes sake. I was #2 in the birth order of children and let me just say, I have like THREE total baby pictures compared to the hundreds of my sister. Although I know I was loved the same, I didn't get the same amount of energy poured into baby books and such. So i'm really going to try hard to do the same for the next. As you can see/hear, I'm also taking the same "assumptive close" approach for this cycle regarding it's success! I'm a glass half full person and don't plan to change there. So if you're out there reading this, send baby dust, well wishes and prayers for a successful cycle that will give us no more than we can handle! It would be much appreciated. 

XOX,

Andi 

ADLEE TURNS ONE! {letter from Daddy}

4/27/2016

Dear Adlee James,

Today is your first birthday! It is also the first anniversary of the single best day of my life. The day that you were born was certainly the happiest of my life and one I will remember for always.

By the end of her pregnancy with you, mommy was sleeping in the guest room because she was very uncomfortable, she needed the extra space, and she did not need to deal with my snoring. Shortly after dozing off on a Sunday night, I awoke to find her standing in the landing outside of our master bedroom. I'll never forget the look on her face. It was a look of abounding excitement at war with suppressed terror. She told me her water broke and that it was time. It certainly was. It was time for our lives to be forever enriched.

Although you came a little earlier than anticipated, I was able to remain pretty calm and could not wait to see your face for the first time. We got to the hospital without incident (I did my part) and making the phone call to my dad to let him know that we had arrived and that you were on the way was among my most treasured memories of the day.

Your mother did beautifully and even had me a bit fooled about how anxious and nervous she was on the inside because she remained pretty composed on the exterior. She had all of the nurses laughing. This was especially the case as they rolled her to the OR. It had a faded green floor and so she just kept saying, "walkin' the Mile, walkin' The Green Mile." That is a reference to a great Tom Hanks movie. If you haven't seen it by the time you are old enough to read this, let me know, I will be quick to remedy that problem.

I wasn't able to go back with her while they got her ready and it was a long wait on a bench all by myself until the nurses finally called me to come into the room. Once there, I didn't have to wait long. Within ten minutes or so, they pulled you out and held you up for your Mom to see. She was so happy when they said; "You got your girl!!!" You responded by sticking your tongue out at Mommy so we knew right then that you were going to have some spunk.

I got to go back with you while they got you cleaned up. I'll always cherish those few minutes as I tried to comprehend the vastness of the blessing that the good Lord had just bestowed on us. They returned you to your mother and I watched the two of you cuddle for the first time. It was such a rewarding moment to experience because it was the fulfillment of a dream that your mother pursued tenaciously.

I could go on for pages and pages detailing all of the ways that your presence has enriched my life but I am going to attempt to keep this at least somewhat concise. I'll start by highlighting some of the memories that I will most cherish about your first year of life.

What I enjoyed most, aside from meeting you face to face and holding you for the first time was witnessing the true strength, courage and resilience of your mommy. It was so special to see the look on her face when the nurses said; "You got your girl!!" And, to watch her snuggle you for the first time was to witness the culmination of a long journey that was sustained only by your mother's fierce determination to bring you into this world. It's a little difficult to admit, but if it had only been up to me, you may not have been born. I was willing to accept that maybe having children was not in our destiny. Mommy was not willing to accept that though; and if you knew one half of what she went through to get you here, you would treat her with reverence for all of your life. I know I will.

You see, I have loved you from the moment I knew that you existed. I loved you before you were born and I will love you until death (and beyond). But it was your mother that loved you to life! Even despite so many disappointments and roadblocks along the way, she never lost faith that God would eventually answer her prayers. Her love for you is so deep that she, through God's grace and blessing, literally willed you into the living world. If that reality is the only thing that you ever learn from me, I will have done a good job as your father.

The other thing that I loved so much about that day was the happiness it brought to both of our families. Watching my parents and mommy's parents as grandparents has been so enjoyable and having you has made me appreciate them more in my own life. Also, seeing the love that you have received and will continue to receive from your aunts and uncles as well as so many of our close friends makes it so clear that you are one lucky little girl.

There are some other smaller things that I'll always smile about when I think back to your first year. I love watching you play. It's so wonderful to see your little brain work as you discover this world little by little. I love your sweet little voice. Hearing any sound you make (aside from crying) has been like the most pleasing music to my ears. I love that your first word was "Daddy" (sort of). I love the way you laugh whenever Nova shows you any interest in what you are doing. You think just about everything he does is funny. I so much wish that you could have also had those interactions with my boy Atticus, but that was not to be.

I love the way that you smile with your moon eyes (like Grandma Albright) and your Jack O' Lantern teeth. I love your pretty eyes that so often remind me of my Grandma (sometimes I even feel her spirit when I catch just the right glimpse of your baby blues.) I also love watching you eat. You just shovel food in your mouth as quickly as you can with no regard for moderation (the true Albright way). I've always loved how you use your little hands and feet, like you never cease to be fascinated by all of the things they can do. I loved the period of your first year when only daddy was suitable to get you off to sleep and despite the countless amounts of steps I took (and I did usually count) in pacing you to rest, they were always worth it when I got to drift you off to dream for the night. And, I love the look on your face when I get home for the day or when I come into your room to get you up from a nap. Each time, it's like reconnecting with some long lost friend.

Finally though and what I love most is your feisty little spirit. It is why your Grandpa Albright suggested we give you the nickname; "The Pistol". You are stubborn, determined, and full of resolve. You are truly your mother's daughter in that respect and the same quote applies similarly to the both of you; "though she be but little, she is fierce!"

Now, if this is the last birthday letter you ever receive from me, I want you to know that I have several major hopes for your life. I hope that you will always love God. As your daddy, I wish nothing but happy times and peace for you, but I know that your life will no doubt contain some difficulty as well. No matter what happens in your life and in both high times and low times I hope you will always remember to; "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). I hope that you will put your trust in him and give thanks always because we (and you) are so blessed.

I hope that you will always love your mother. I know at times you two will not quite be operating on the same wavelength. I know this because it seems all relationships between mothers and daughters can get complicated at times. I suspect this even further because I can already tell how much alike the two of you are very likely to be. That will surely cause some conflict from time to time. I hope that in those times you will remember all of the things that are included about your mommy in the beginning part of this letter. I hope you never underestimate the depth of your mom's love for you and I hope that you will know that the best way that you can honor me is by loving your mother.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly for a girl. I hope you will always remember to love yourself. I hope you will always remember that you; "are fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). I hope that you will always remember that if you do not choose to respect yourself you will be at great risk of being treated without respect by others, even those that you believe truly care for you. I hope that you will never allow the words or judgments of others to affect how you choose to feel about yourself. I hope that you will take the advice that is always best to live your life for an "Audience of One." If you live, first and foremost, in a way that is pleasing to and gives honor to God, there is nothing of true consequences that you should have to fear.

Above all, I hope that you will take some comfort in knowing that your daddy loves you and that, no matter where I am at in your life, I always, always will!!

Happy 1st Birthday Sweetheart.

Daddy

 

12 Months with Adlee

Sweet pea,

Only ONE week away from your FIRST birthday. I can't even believe it!! Today marks the very last day you'll receive my Mama milk and its tugging at my heart strings, big time. I'm thankful we've made it this far, and I'm thankful for your independence! You self weaned from the breast for the most part, and at the same time kicked your bottles to the curb. You refused both breast and bottle, launching the one you're able to launch across the room, ha! So it's obvious you're ready. You are no longer an infant and are growing into a toddler. I have so many emotions regarding the end of this chapter and moving onto the next. It saddens me that we'll never get to tuck away and share those intimate nursing moments again. You'll never have another mommy milk meal, and you no longer really desire that connection with me in that way, but I know you'll always and forever need me most. No one will share a stronger bond than you and I.

When I'm sad about letting go of some of these connections we share I remember that you're the only person who has heard my heartbeat from the inside, and I'm the only one who has felt your kicks and tugs from the outside. I'm the one who traveled miles upon miles for infertility treatments, who took thousands of pills and shots, injected so many hormones into my body I didn't even know what felt balanced or normal (not even still). Each day I grew you step by step inside my womb with a faulty placenta and nourished you through development from a tiny embryo all the way into a beautiful, healthy, happy 1 year old. How amazing and wonderful is that, truly!? Even though it may not come in the form of Mama Milk anymore, I realize I'll continue to be able nourish you in many ways, even if we don't share that bodily connection of doing so that we did previously. You are fully departed from my need to develop you via nutrients, but I find solace in the fact I'll always be supporting you, nourishing you, and developing you in many other ways. 

Our ability to get where we are today, together, is nothing short of a miracle my sweet girl. Having you in my life, in our lives, has been the most tiring, amazing, rewarding, challenging, blessing and enormous gift from God. Seeing you grow and absorb and learn and flourish is just the absolute GREATEST blessing. I never thought of all the many things that would encompass being a Mother, and I'm sure I'll never be able to grasp how much you've given me until I come to my last breath on Earth. You and me babe, we'll always share something special. The bond that a Mother and child share is forever. I hope to conceive and carry and nourish a sweet sibling(s) for you, but if I never do, then I still consider myself the luckiest person on Earth to have had the chance to experience it all with you. If I do, know that you'll always be my very special girl. The one I experienced all the these precious firsts with.

I always knew I wanted to commit to writing you every month for one year, and from here I may check in from time to time to update what's going on in our lives. But getting through our infertility journey, for my personal and emotional outlet, and getting you to your first year was my goal to document. Somehow it's here... we've already arrived! I hope you find these very special to read and I hope you always know that I wanted you more than all the riches in the world, all the trips around the sun, all the many countless favors that can be bestowed upon someone. I wanted you more than life.   

Love you so much, sweet Adlee James! Happy (almost) 1 year!

XOX,
Mom

11 Months with Adlee

My Sweet Girl,

HOW in the world are we already to 11 Months?! You are so much fun to be with, you make every day more exciting than the last. You are starting to sit up, pull yourself up on things and rock back and forth on your hands and knees in hopes to just blast off to "crawl status". You get too frustrated that you aren't magically blasting off to the races and start pounding your hands on the ground in fury. I have NO IDEA where you get that impatience from? ;) One day you will crawl, walk, run, etc, so I have 0 desire to push you until you're ready. One day you will be and then I'll be running after you like a Mad Momma. So you just take your time little one. As I tell others when they ask if you're walking, "Nope! She was breech for 9 months en utero, and is just the same now on the outside". A OK sitting still and entertaining yourself without any desire to cruise. Funny how that's determined so early on....

We took our first Mommy & Daddy trip to a friends wedding in Vegas last week and Mimi & Poppy came to stay. You had an awesome time shopping with Mimi and playing with Poppy. I'm so thankful that we have such a great family to help love on you while we're away. I had to partially wean you before the trip since you were wanting more than just breastmilk and solids. You are drinking half goats milk and half breast milk in preparation for your 12 months wean over to 100% whole milk. I wondered what it would be like when I returned from this trip and if you'd want to nurse so I gave it a go yesterday. Within 30 seconds you popped off and looked up at me like, "Nah, who needs to work at this? Just give me the bottle!" So, that we did! I was dreading having a dedicated last nurse with you so I'm glad you took matters into your own hands and made the decision for us. I suppose that will be our last hoorah. I feel a little sad about it when I really think about it, but less because you aren't nursing and more because that chapter is forever closed in your "newborn book" and we are getting so close to opening the chapter of "toddler-isms". It constantly feels like sand through an hour glass; wanting to freeze moments, rewind, slow time. "It goes by so fast" is what everyone says and it scares me to see they are all so right. These are truly the best of times.

You light up our lives and we can't wait to see you grow and thrive. We are filled with love from you and for you, Happy 11 Months Adlee James! You are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

XOX,

Mom

9 & 10 Months with Adlee

Adlee,

If the combination of month 9-10 for the blog doesn't tell you something, then I don't know what will! Mama has been busy & tired these past two months {what's new, right?}. You too have been busy, cutting some major teeth and keeping Daddy and I up nearly every night. It's a good thing you're cute because lord Mama needs her sleep. Your top two Lateral Incisors are in after feeling like they were never going to break through, and your first three teeth came in about two months ago on the bottom so now you're sporting a rather interesting Jack O Lantern grin. You eat us out of house and home now that your chompers are in (and because you already want to be the big girl vs. the baby), and you want everything that we eat so at least that makes it simple. You love milk from your sippy cup & are getting close to dropping the bottle altogether. Since we are half way to 11 months and Mommy & Daddy will be leaving town for a wedding for a long weekend soon, I'm beginning the plan of weaning you off my Mama Milk soon. It's been an incredibly amazing journey of nursing you this long, I wouldn't trade it for one second. However, I'm ready to wrap up this chapter and move on to the next. I can't say it enough, nursing is the most beautiful and exhausting part of Motherhood. I hope you decide one day to share this special bond with your littles. You'll see :) My goal was 6 months and it's looking like I'll get you all the way to 11-12 so for that I feel incredibly blessed. It was far from easy, but anything for you my babe.

Your personality is growing leaps and bounds by the days. It's my favorite thing about you!! Per your pictures, you are happy as a clam the majority of the time, but these past two months you've really started to connect more and show your social skills. You wave, saying "hi" to everyone in the stores that we frequent and you're always hamming it up at the restaurants batting those gorgeous lashes of yours for all passerby. We are in trouble!! You truly don't know a stranger, so it will be interesting as you grow to see how that continues to develop. You take the direction that you want and all had better follow suit, that's for sure. When it comes to sleep schedules, eating schedules, playing with other babies (etc) you set the ground rules and everyone else is expected to follow. You're a bossy little Lady who knows what she wants. I guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.....poor Daddy!

We're starting to plan your 1st birthday party already.  On one hand it feels like you've always been here, and that 1 year surely can't be all that we've been together. But the next it feels like yesterday we were begging God to bless us with you, feeling impatient and discouraged not knowing if we'd ever have a child. We had hoped that He was busy creating you while Mama had to endure jumping all the hoops and leaping all the bounds. But we never knew for sure. We are so blessed that our prayers were answered. I hope you always know how much you were prayed for, wished for, wanted and loved... longggg before these past 10 months of knowing you arrived. You were worth it all. If I knew then what I know now, I'd do it all over again, 5 times over. You are our greatest blessing and we love you more than we can ever express.

Happy 9 & Happy 10 Sweet Girl!!

XO,

Mom