4 months with Adlee

My Little Lady,

4 months, holy moly!! Life before you was wonderful in it's own ways, but life since you is more than I could have ever imagined. Daddy asked me the other day if I thought you looked how I imagined you to look and I couldn't have ever dreamed you to be as precious and perfect as you are. Your round cheeks, big smile and little arm rolls are to die over. Sometimes the "awww, what a fat baby" comments offend me as I'm always going to be your protective Mama Bear, but I've realized they are just compliments since after all, they are what makes you, YOU! You are healthy and squishy and give the best cuddles. My 1,000 daily kisses literally sink into those amazing cheeks of yours. I wouldn't change a single thing about you. You still think I'm hilarious so that's a plus!! I know one day I'll annoy you, be so uncool, and everything I say will be "soooo 100 years ago", so for now I'll take it. I hope you always love your Mama because there won't be a day that goes by that my love will lessen for you. 

These days your personality is overall pretty laid back. You still have your moments of "zest" (when you're hungry especially) but overall you just love to talk anyone's ear off, travel with Mama in the car & look out the window at all the trees zooming by, or smile and gab at the baby in the mirror (aka you!). We do a lot of front porch rocking like we did when I was carrying you in my belly, and I still sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" as I used to wonder "who" you were (boy or a girl). I now know who you "are" clearly, but now I wonder who you're going to be someday! Will you love music as much as I do? Will you be a free spirit like me or intense and more introverted like your Daddy? What will your voice sound like? What will be your favorite subject in school? I can't wait to relive holidays with you and see so many more smiles on your face. I love that everyday we are learning something new from you. I can't wait for all the steps. What they say is true, it really does just keep getting better and better. 

You can sit up in your bumbo on your own and tolerate tummy time on the boppy now. You hate bottles and still prefer Mama feeds. I still melt over your little hand finding it's way to my chest or face, but not loving your ability to grab my long hair by the fistfuls ;) You and Casanova are getting along well now that you are his only friend since Atticus went over the rainbow. He licks your face and checks on you when you cry. You could careless that he's there so far but I have a feeling that will change when you're big enough to crawl allover him or pinch his tail/nub. It's sweet to watch you and your cousin Isaac interact. He kisses you now and you smile/giggle back at him. Hopefully soon you and your cousin Beck (3 months apart) can begin to interact more. We Mama's are excited to see you all make memories together.

This time last year I was preparing for our big embryo transfer. You and your sibling were safely injected into my womb and we prayed and prayed that you'd both stay there for the next 9 months. You were my little fighter girl who made it all the way (past that 8/29 transfer & through the long 9 months of a high risk vasa previa pregnancy & finally through the C section). You were worth every last bit of it and I thank God he blessed me with you every single day.

From the moment you exited my body, I've understood that being your Mother would be a lifelong process of separation, letting go. I hope that Father time goes SLOW on us and that I'm able to raise you knowing that no matter what happens in your life, there will always be my wide open arms and a shoulder to rest your head on. You will always be my little girl.

Love you so!

XOXO,

MOM 

Life as a working (sick) Mama, pumping + childcare & allergic reactions! Exhaustion and pure joy......

I've been back to work for nearly 5 weeks now and boy is it ALOT! I always thought I was pretty energetic & good at multi tasking but it is EXHAUSTING! It's great to be back amongst the land of the living and showering before 7p, but it's definitely overwhelming to juggle. I had to apologize to Blair the other night as I crawled into bed at 8:30p feeling like I tackled work and mommy that day but was far from tackling "wife". It's truly quite an adjustment and I often feel like I'm drowning. No amount of coffee or hours in the day can get me to where I feel I need to be.  I need to either lower my expectations of myself or trust that eventually we'll hit our new stride and I'll feel like I'm living in less of a blur. HOW to people have 5 kids? .... ok how do they have 2!?

 

Her sitter Miss Holly has Adlee M&T and they are having a really great time together so that helps immensely. I met Holly in the NICU as volunteers and we'd just sit and rock the NICU babies and chat for hours about any and everything. Praying over the sick babies, my struggle to conceive at the time, her struggles to deal with her MIL and family members, etc. She prayed and prayed for Adlee and was such a huge support system for me that it's really a blessing to know she's now her caregiver when I'm away. Holly says she's such an easy happy baby when she's there and she's constantly updating me on how things are going as well as sending pictures. Plus, she deals with my "suggestions" and lets me pretend to instruct her on what's best for Adlee. HA! I'm sure they have their own tricks that work for them but I appreciate her humoring me and letting me feel like I'm still mothering her from afar. 

Holly's son playing with AJ

My MIL watches her W&Th and does the same, thank God. Even with hitting the childcare jackpot I still feel pangs of guilt here and there for not being with her all the time. I remind myself that she's learning to be independent and not to always rely on her Mama to soothe and adapt. Being away from me some will only assist in her feeling comfortable around other people. But, it doesn't mean it's easy. I don't "let down" unless I'm watching a video of her so it's pretty torturous to be sitting in the backseat of the car mid work day listening to her from iphone videos so I can pump my milk effectively. 

 Negatives also include making sure I have enough ice in cooler, clean pump parts, or hell to even remember the frozen milk for the sitter and pump parts! HA! Trust, I've driven away several times and had to turn back to remember both of these on top of what I need for my work presentations. The past 5 weeks in two words: Brain overload. It has to get easier.

fun with Gramma

not so fun in the backseat of my car.... pumping, and GO!

I always wondered what a Mama does when she's sick and has a baby. Well I learned that the show must go on. I was pretty miserable for a week with either allergies or a bad sinus cold and it just so happened to be the SAME week Adlee had a HORRENDOUS allergic reaction to what we think was my Mom's laundry detergent. She had a bath at her house and next morning??! THIS!!

GASP!

it was hard to look at, but didn't phase this little nug...

What cured it? Breast milk and oatmeal baths!!! Who knew? It really is liquid gold. Sister was pretty uncomfortable with the rash and of course we I were worried it would never go away. But after a few baths she was good to go, thankfully.

no joke this was 2 baths later!! Hallalujah

As tiring as it all is and as overwhelming as it seems all it takes is a big ol grin from my girl and snuggles to make the stress all go away. This time last year I was giving myself injections and was smack dab in the middle of my IVF stim cycle almost ready for the egg retrieval
 I can't believe how far we've come. I had no idea what would happen from all of that and here I am caring for my 3.5 month old daughter. God is always good and His timing really is perfect. I am thankful for every crazy, exhausting, wild moment that I have with my little chica. My cup may runneth low on caffeine and low on energy, but it always runneth over!

 

oh hey Ma, just watching gymnastics <3

 

XOXO,

Andi

3 months with Adlee

My sweet girl,

Three months together and we are finally starting to fit together quite seamlessly. You are turning into such the mellow little girl now that we've discovered how to decode your cries and calm you quickly when you do get your britches in a bunch! You are overall such a happy girl, always waking up with a smile that challenges those chubby cheeks of yours to burst, and my heart wide open for that matter. Mornings are still my favorite times with you! 

At three months you are focusing in on patterns of blankets and shirts and your toys for longer periods of time and you are tolerating tummy play time finally. You've yet to master rolling over but you're really close, especially if your big cousin Isaac is near. You try to reach for him and touch his face, it's precious to see you two interact. He'll sing to you show you his books & toys and he's starting to understand you're a little babe and not a threat to him since he still doesn't have to share the limelight just yet! I do think you're going to be a little entertainer yourself though; always on the move and so intensely focused on what's going on around you. 

Some days I get a glimpse of you as a toddler or an adult in some of your expressions or mannerisms and it makes me realize how fast time really does go. I try to absorb as much as I can every second I'm with you so to not miss a thing, but I know someday I won't be able to control your every move like I do now. It's hard to keep your mind in present day and not unravel or look into the future when you have a love like a Mother. Most of my daydreams are pleasant, wondering what sports you'll play and what will interest you, or what adorable things you'll say. I joke with Daddy that I can't wait to cuddle up and watch The Little Mermaid or other classic Disney movies I once loved myself as a little girl. Then other thoughts tug at my heart & make me want to keep you this size forever. At your Uncle Cody's wedding last weekend I watched his soon-to-be-wife, your Aunt Arden, getting ready with her Mom from across the room while I was nursing you. I thought that will be you & I someday, God willing. That will be me sliding your wedding gown on you and posing for the camera while putting the bracelet on your wrist that I wore on my wedding day. In that moment, I made sure to hold you a little tighter and nurse you a little longer :) While those days will also be special, I know I'll never get back the precious moments that we get to share now.

Yesterday you didn't nap very well and you were having a hard time getting to sleep last night in your rock in play by our bed. I was wondering why, considering the last week you've started a night time schedule for yourself that's been working nicely. I thought to myself "maybe she's getting too big for the RNP now & it's time to extend crib naps to crib sleeps", trying to figure why you were restless and what I needed to change. Like most new moms, I was internalizing where we needed to be with you at this point in your development and began to compare what other friends are doing at this point in their children's sleep plans. I reached in to get you your paci that fell out and you just rested your little hand on top of mine, caring less about the paci. I realized then that maybe me going back to work and leaving you with your Dad all day has been more of an adjustment for you than I thought. Maybe you just needed to feel my touch a little bit longer now that I'm gone more than you've ever known me to be. In that sweet moment, feeling your fingers resting still on top of mine, I quieted my thoughts & insecurities about having you by our bed and not in your crib, and instead slid your RNP closer to my side of the bed & watched you sleep, hand in hand. I realized that I'll never get these moments back. Only for a short span of your life will you be sleeping next to my bed, only an arms reach away. The crib can wait. What everyone else is doing with their kids and what works best in their homes doesn't necessarily work for us just yet, and that's ok. I cherish our moments together more than you'll ever know. I pray that one day you'll be able to feel the "feels" of Mommyhood with your own children. Only then will you grasp the intensity and all encompassing love that a Mother has for her child. 

Happy 3 months Adlee James! Love you more than you'll ever know!

XOX,

Mom

The end of an era | RIP Atticus

Atticus Finch

4|19| 07 - 7|12|15 

If I Should Go Frail

If it should be that I grow frail and weak

and pain does keep me from my sleep,

Then will you do what must be done

For this, the last battle, cant be won. 

You will be sad I understand

But don't let grief then stay you hand.

For on this day more than the rest

Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,

You wouldn't want me to suffer so

When the time comes, please let me go. 

Take me to where my needs they'll tend,

Only, stay with me until the end.

And hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes can no longer see.

I know in time you will agree

It is a kindness you've done for me.

Although my tail it's last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.

May the tears that you now weep,

Sow loving memories forever to keep. 

-Unknown

We will always cherish the 8 years we had with sweet Atticus "Monster". They don't come any sweeter than him. Our original family of 4 has now come to an end which breaks our hearts, but we'll keep him with us always. Until we meet again..... 

RIP big baby boy......

XOXO,

Andi

Life Lately

Life with AJ is becoming so fun as of late. We have hit our stride and all are coexisting pleasantly. She is really starting to notice her toys, patterns, her hands and fingers. and is very happy especially in the morning. Giggling and cooing & lots of laughter while just looking at her Mama. She clearly knows who I am and can focus in on my face now as well as respond to my silly ways. It's adorable. Just in time to head back to work and find a new norm, sigh. I'm not looking forward to leaving her but I know that business as usual is necessary and we'll find our new schedule. Trying to figure out bottles and what to freeze/leave fresh, etc as I'm on the road some days and others I'll be home office is daunting. I've decided I'll push it off another day, including pumping. lol! 

I had an epiphany regarding my love for breast feeding the other day and why I have a hard time wanting to pump and begin to share the feeding time. It's really the first thing non chemically induced (next to carrying her throughout my pregnancy of course). This has come easily for Adlee and I, clearly, I mean look at those luscious rolls!  After trying for years, too many months of Clomid, Letrozole & IUI's to count, as well as IVF with all the pricks and sticks and meds, I haven't had to supplement or add anything unnatural to the process with breast feeding and I'm not ready to let that go. Luckily she's only 10 weeks so I don't have to (I promise I won't breastfeed her when she's 2) but I really love that my body has done so well and I have had 0 pain or supply issues while breastfeeding. Knock on wood! It's been a magical process, even if it has been a ton of work. To add the complexity and components of pumping, bottling and all that jazz just seems so much harder than sticking her on to feed, but we'll get there. 

Life lately has been soaking up the rest of summer and my maternity leave. We caught Adlee's first Reds game, went to Columbus for the 4th of July and saw The Clippers play, and have spent as much of our time at home just talking and giggling and cuddling. I want to bottle it all up and savor it forever. I know each phase will be better than the last as she grows and thrives, but I also have this paranoia and fear that creeps in when I think about when we'll want to transfer our next embabies. Will they work? Will we be blessed to have these moments again with our next newborn? No one knows for sure. So I'm just trying to take it day by day and capture it all in my mind & heart. 

Childcare update! AJ will be going to my girlfriend Holly's house 2-3 days a week (I volunteered with her in the NICU so I've seen her love and cuddles for babies first hand) and my MIL will keep her another 1-2 days (not set in stone due to my always changing work/travel schedule). However, luckily they both are flexible per my needs and won't be doing it for the money which makes me feel less pressure to have to use them a certain number of hours weekly to make it worth their time.  I cover all of Ohio, so when I'm in my local accounts Holly will keep her and when I'm in Columbus and surrounding areas, my Mother in Law will keep her. All set! While it's the best case scenario for childcare that it can get, it'll still be an adjustment at first of course. At least I know she'll be well cared for and loved while I'm away. 

Next phase before I go back to work: transitioning into her crib. Today was Day 1 and she has napped in there wonderfully! Hopefully she keeps it up. I know it'll be better for all in the long run even though it tugs at my Mama heart strings now. Lots of changes around here but still not rushing it! When it works, great. If it doesn't? Not to panic. We have the rest of our lives to figure it all out! 

XOXO,

Andi

Two months with Adlee

STATS: 11.5 lbs | 21" long


AJ,

Two months already?! Time is just flying by. You are quite the sweetie pie at 8 weeks old as you begin to become more alert & respond with smiles and coos to what we say to you. You are happiest in the mornings so I enjoy laying in bed talking with you for as long as you'll let me. I'm trying to soak up every second I can with you just cuddling, reading, going on walks in the neighborhood & rocking you on the front porch and in your room. You finally cracked a big ol grin that was directed just for me and I may have melted into a big ol puddle right then and there. I was able to get you to do a few more and captured one on camera in the hotel room you were grinning in while we were en route to Myrtle Beach! Adorable.

You are such a good traveler & Daddy and I said over and over how proud we were of you. We had a 10 hour drive each way, the hottest week in history there & were in a beach house with three other basketball families (8 kids total) and you were a breeze! Better than you are at home actually ;) Dad and I decided to sell the house and buy an RV, just because you seemed so happy with life on the road. Ha! I hope you continue to enjoy it because we don't plan to slow down anytime soon. I'm starting to get all weepy about leaving you with a Nanny (whom we've yet to hire) so I'm hoping once we decide on who will be watching you, next to your Grandma Albright twice a week, that I'll begin to feel better. As much as I would like to stare at you all day every day in a Mama induced love spell, I also happen to make a good living at what I do and am unable to leave. I hope that in growing up watching a hard working career Mama it will also inspire you to work hard at getting a good education, so you too can be a contributor to your family income, should you like to one day. I grew up watching my mom work two jobs sometimes just to help Dad out with my large monthly gymnastics expenses & we never went without what we wanted/needed to thrive in life. Mom enjoyed working, but I'm sure that there were times where she had Mama guilt for leaving us with someone else or not being able to be there for every event (although I can't really think of much she missed). Change is never easy, but I hope once I get back into the swing of work it will make me a better Mama to you in the long run. Thinking of you being sad or lonely for me if I'm not there or upset if I have to miss something because of work makes my heart break right in two. Who knew my heart would become so weak once I gave birth to you!?! :)

I hope you always know how much you mean to me and that every thing I do I do with your best interest in mind. Love you oh so much! 

Xoxo, 

Mom

Cluster feeding & growth spurts! Gas/Colic or just the need to paci? Lots of trial & error. Figuring this out as we go....

Before I was a Mom I always wondered why women would say they "haven't read a book in YEARS since the baby", or why some days it was "all they could do to even shower". Even shower I'd think to myself?! Ok, that's ridiculous. It cannot be THAT hard to manage a 10lb tiny human. I knew that there was lots to manage of course but I didn't realize that before you knew it it was 4pm and all you had accomplished was everything to keep a baby alive and quiet/happy & nothing for yourself. The amount of times I've now had to use the jon while baby is still connected to my boob so I didn't pee myself is well... Embarrassing! Too many to count. ESPECIALLY since she had a ridiculous growth spurt a week or so back where I completed an entire Netflix season while she cluster fed for two days (I will admit though that was a bit nice to just hunker down and mentally check out while she ramped up my milk supply). I've been lucky to have 0 nipple discomfort so really is was a nice break. Before being a mom, if someone told me sitting in front of Netflix for two days while having a baby on your teet 24/7 whilst squatting on your toilet + newborn attached was a "break", I would have shook my head in disbelief. THE HORROR! ha! Boy have things changed!

Last I wrote we were having a terrible time getting her to lay flat and sleep & so many people said to use the Rock N Play to which I finally tried & they were all right. It's a heaven send! She began to sleep 3-4 hours or so in it and just when we could see some sleep for us on the horizon, we began to deal with the next hurdle: her gassy stomach. We didn't know if it was gas + witching hour and or colic and there were way too many nights to count (always beginning at 7p on the dot) of 4+ hours of non stop shrilling. We swaddled, we shushed, bounced, swayed, tried every toy & paci's we had to distract. Nada. We loaded her up and did car rides, stroller walks... absolutely NOTHING would stop the crying, next to my boob that is. For a solid two weeks I was a nerve wracked zombie floating around in distress all day just waiting for the inconsolable wailing to begin at 7p where she'd wail & wail before I caved & latched her on. I was convinced my milk was poison thus leading to her gas and that I MUST also be over feeding her (she went from 6.3 to 10.5 lbs in 6 weeks)! But turns out you can't over feed a breast fed baby, so I would finally concede to using the boob to soothe her  like she wanted. It was frustrating for Blair to know this would solve it for her but that I didn't always want to use this method to soothe, & frustrating for me to feed/pacify so many hours of the day getting nothing else accomplished (even though feeding & soothing her was my first focus & quite a big accomplishment). This whole battle/process would then kick off the 0 sleep at night process as she would be so gassy to follow feeds & seemingly in pain (fists clenched, legs bent to belly, back arched). It was hellacious & the anxiety was all consuming. My mom was kind enough to tell me I looked like hell & had "bags for days". Thanks Ma! She was a formula/bottle Mom so although her journey wasn't a breeze to feed us, she was getting 4+ hours of sleep with us from day 1. She doesn't quite understand how EBF works which has been frusterating at times to explain, but more on that later. 

One min she'd get herself settled down...

and once off the boob she will shrill again....mehhhhh

We finally took Adlee to her Peds after trying everything (gripe water, gas drops, bicycling legs, stomach laying, etc) who diagnosed her with what we were hoping most that she didn't have. "It looks like you've got yourselves a colicky, gassy, high maintenance little girl here. Just take turns with her to give eachother breaks until it passes around 3 months. It's harder on you two than it is her". BEHHHHH!! Since not much is known about or why babies are colicky and nothing would work to calm her we felt pretty hopeless. We left making a pact to be more patient with her and eachother & that we were just going to have to get through these next 2 sleepless months alive. 

she obviously likes this pose-- ironically--so did I as a baby

MEN! sigh

A few days later I cleaned out her drawer to box up her NB clothes to replace them with 0-3 (hold me!) & found a few different pacis that we hadn't tried. The one she didn't spit out right away was a MAM paci that my mother in law gave us from a bag of Josie's items she never used (Adlee's baby cousin that's in heaven). So I kept it handy for her next colic breakdown that evening & it was an immediate silencer. She LOVES it & its soothed her ever since, praise G! Since discovering this paci we've made a massive turn around. She's calmed almost immediately & we think all she needed was something to distract & soothe during her fussy phases in the evening. I'm now not convinced she really has colic or is overly fussy at all.  She's been an absolute dream! With the assist if this paci, I think she just was communicating her boredom or need to wind down from stimulation and soothe & she was using my breast for this. I would like to find the inventors of the MAM & hug each and every one of them. She's now sleeping 5-6 hours a night & is stretching her feeds to every 3-4 hours or so during the day. She's still a gassy little thing but the paci helps to put her focus on it & less on her discomfort. While I'm thankful she's in less distress, her schedule lengthening & these progressions show me she's growing up which makes me sad that she's needing me less and less. Blair assures me that she still & will always need me very much.

Next on the horizon, as I am soon to reach 8w of maternity leave, is to line up childcare for AJ. I return at 12w. Agh! I didn't realize how hard all of these steps would be for me! I always thought I'd be ready to get back in the groove of work & have zero problems with all of the baby maturation's, but as I start to pump and begin to give her a bottle or two a week, it's making me sad to miss that bond time with her. I didn't realize how much I would love exclusively breast feeding her & watching all of her baby milestones first hand. A lot of these milestones will be witnessed by another caregiver & relayed to me & it tugs at my Mama heart strings. I don't desire to leave work or stay at home so I'm sure as anything else, I'll begin to adjust to the new norm soon enough. Stay tuned for what we decide on for childcare & also how Adlee did on her first road trip to Myrtle Beach!!

Until then.....

Xo, 

Andi