"Nothing will work unless you DO" - Maya Angelou

In the book The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer, he states: "To attain true inner freedom, you must be able to objectively watch your problems instead of being lost in them. No solution can possibly exist while you're lost in the energy of a problem. Everyone knows you cant deal well with a situation if you're getting anxious, scared or angry about it. The first problem you have to deal with is your own reaction. You will not be able to solve anything outside until you own how the situation affects you inside."

All I could do was repeat this to theory to myself over and over in my head when my Reproductive Endo said to me yesterday after my first FSH injectable cycle and vaginal ultrasound follicle check, "You have too many dominant follicles, I stopped counting at 8. We will have to cancel this cycle, shed your lining/eggs, and begin again next month". If my legs weren't in stirrups, I could have kicked him. After so many months of roller coasters and disappointments, I cant lie and say that I didn't consider this a possibility & prepare the best I could for this reaction. My heart has been walking outside of my body for two years now, this is just part of the process. 

Let me rewind to briefly tell you what my first injectable cycle last month looked like. Mind you, I live an hour and a half round trip from the facility. CD= cycle day. Gonal F is the FSH (follicle stimulating horomone) I am on to help grow larger follicles that I inject subcu (subcutaneously) every evening via a dosing pen. 

CD 3: bloodwork/ Inject 75 Units subcu (in your belly)

CD 4: Gonal F injection, 75 Units

CD 5: bloodwork/ Inject 50 Units

CD 6: Gonal F injection, 50 Units

CD 7: bloodwork, Gonal F 75 Units

CD 8: Vaginal Ultrasound, Gonal F 100 Units

CD 9: Gonal F 100 Units

CD 10: Vaginal Ultrasound, Gonal F 75 Units

CD 11: Gonal F 75 Units

CD 12: Vaginal Ultrasound Gonal F 50 Units

CD 13: Gonal F 50 Units

CD 14: Vaginal Ultrasound, Cancelled Cycle

That's alot of needles, bloat, weight gain, and cray cray town right there folks. I have a job, and a life, and this is just about to make me lose it. This was the first time that I actually saw that my doctor felt shitty about the results, and I won't lie by saying it made me feel a bit better. He was off the day that they had to make my final 2 days of dosing (so to not overstimulate since I have high AMH -egg count) and another doctor did the U/S then he made the dosing call. By not being the doctor who is used to my body seeing the u/s, he did the best call he could by looking at my estrodial levels but obviously overshot the dosing. "Looks like your ovaries woke up the last 48 hours" did not produce the facial expression from me that he may have expected. Again with the kicking in the face. He handed me a box of tissues when my blood red face & grinding jaws (so pissed you cry face? yea, I'm sure yours looks similar) took hold, but I refused to shed a tear. I refused to get lost in the energy of this problem. For me, it was an immediate shift to, "well what can we do better next time". Because truthfully, that's the only option. I will not quit. I will continue to get up and try.

It's hard to have to take Progesterone now that will begin my period knowing this would have been the month we actually got pregnant. But, when I joke about being the next "Jon & Kate + 8" this time, that could totally happen and aint nobody got time for that. Plus, it's not healthy for me or the many potential multiples. So..... we will start this all over again in July. That will be my 12th cycle (1 year anniversary) with the specialist, so that has to count for something right? Plus, who doesn't want an Aries baby? True story, I've always said if I could pick a month to conceive it would be July for a Spring delivery that aligns with the end of Blair's basketball season. So....here's to hoping! :) 

I will not be able to solve this problem by being overly emotional and reacting to it in a negative way. There is absolutely no choice but to keep going. I won't ring the bell. I've been in sales all my adult career and every "no" I hear I tuck away in my back pocket and find a creative way to come back for more until I get that "yes", and this situation will just have to be calculated in the same manner. Although it's emotional, time consuming and expensive, I have made it this far and I'm not "ringing the bell". 

COME ON JULY!!! Don't fail my theory now!

xoxo,

Andi

Sweet Angel, Baby Josie

Our sweet niece Josie was born today & earned her angel wings just before she was delivered. We are so lucky that God gave us the chance to see her & hold her even though she was only there with us in spirit. Prayers for Paige & our family while everyone heals. We wish we would have gotten more time to know you Little Miss, but know that you were very loved by all; if only for a short time on Earth.

I Am Here 

Please don't cry, I am here

just look around, I am very near.
I am the prettiest butterfly 
exploring the day,
I am the shiniest star
showing you my wings glisten from afar.
I am the wind moving your hair
to kiss your cheek,
Wipe your tears because I am here, just playing hide n seek.

Xoxo,

Andi 

Wax-OFF

Mehhhhhh. Can we just talk about the fact I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER going to get my eyes/lips/anywhere waxed again, EVER!! Wow. Although I do have sensitive skin, I don't always break out quite as bad as I did yesterday/today after getting my eyes and lip waxed. I have made up my mind that I will a. Nair b. Laser hair removal or c. rock the peach fuzz because I am never going to walk around (in cognito might I add) like I have the past 24 hours. Yikes!

A lady at the grocery store asked if I got beat up, the fedex driver looked at me in horror, and today I wore a hat bigger than my body just to run an errand. Did I mention it looks awful? Well, it looks worse than awful! Ha!! It looks PAINFUL, and it is.

Amidst my panicking and phone call to my husband demanding he leave me & find a pretty wife, I remembered a girl I work with who uses industrial strength concealer when she has breakouts. So I ran to the mall & scooped some up figuring this could help "take the red out", and let me tell ya, this shiz is a life saver. Although I'm never getting waxed again, I'll definitely keep it on board for breakouts. If you also find yourself in a pinch, scoop up Benefits concealer, the pictures below will do all the talking!! 

Same day, a few hours apart from eachother and you can hardly see the red, welted, hideous face of mine ;) SCORE! Lord I hope this clears (sans make up) soon. Never ever ever ever......

Pretty amazing tho! Now, spill it. What do you furry faced ladies use to remove your facial hair? {and yes, I break out from threading too} I'd LOVE to know what works for you.

Andi 

Weekend Recap!

Visitors. Visitors. #andmorevisitors. 

Ya'll we love having people who want to come see the new place and spend time with us. Good news is all of them so far have said "Wow, who knew? Dayton is great?!!" vs. "damn, why did you sell and leave Columbus?!" Yea. I know, I was just a shocked myself but it really truly feels like another suburb of Columbus. 

My bestie Steph and Goddaughter Evelyn visited first. We took a nice long walk in the preserve out back and enjoyed some catch up time, which I always cherish. She NO LONGER lives in D.C (thank you God) and moved back to Columbus a few weeks back, so luckily we'll be seeing alot of them again. Just like high school days :) They just bought an adorable house in Westerville and we can't wait to see it. It looks insanely adorable from the pictures she's sent. 

back yard stroll

sweet Evelyn

her Uncle B is smitten <3

My girl Kat and her daughter Remi were to follow! We stopped at Boro Bistro for some fab pizza and patio time and Remi was obsessed over Atticus. Or....maybe it was the other way around. Seriously our fur baby is more desperate for a kid than we are. He protects the preggo bellies that enter the home and loves playing with the kiddos that they bring. It really is precious. 

Remi girl !

it really doesn't get prettier than Remi folks! Kat is preggo with baby #2 and I cant wait to hear what sex it is soon!

one large pony dog to go please? thanks.

Blair's college Rugby buddy and his wife came to visit next  (I told you we had alot of company as of late). I just adore he and his wife Leeann {who has become one of my dear friends throughout the years}. They got a sitter for the night and headed west to see us for a much needed night out. Corey is a handyman who was happy to help me hang my new art piece from Pottery Barn. It's AMAZING. We have this massive 21' wall in our living room and I searched long and hard for just the right piece for our home. My style is Pottery Barn meets Restoration Hardware with a sprinkle of World Market (ie industrial but homey with a dash of rustic). It turned out breathtaking. I sit in the main room and just adore it. Very happy with this purchase.

I'm on the road this week in WV and PA but look forward to MORE visitors this weekend; my girls from Dawson. Copious amounts of laughter are ahead after a long travel work week, just what the doctor ordered! Have a great week everyone!

xoxo,

Andi

The Never Ending Race #justkeepswimming

All too often during this trying time of trying to get pregnant I find myself asking myself "why"? Why are we being faced with this difficulty? Why isn't God ready to make us parents; I seem to think we'd make great parents?! Why do all of the crackhead parents of the NICU babies I cuddle up with during my Volunteer hours keep spitting them out left and right & I have never seen those two pink lines before? Why can't I seem to find a way to give up, let go, and accept that it may never happen for us? Why has it taken so long!!? Why haven't any of the IUI's worked yet? Our counts have been fabulous and my body has responded very well the past 5 months, finally getting regulated..... the "why's" are endless. As I approach another IUI tomorrow morning, I am battling with all of the the "why's" and emotions that surround this brutal process.

I explained to one of my besties yesterday that struggling with infertility feels like you are running a veryyyy longgggg race that you don't feel will ever end. You're tired, telling yourself you cant go on any further one minute and the next you're pumping yourself up to get "back on the horse" and keep going. There's no option to quit, you're not a quitter and you've made it this far. You WILL finish this marathon!!! You WILL be stronger in the end from this!! You WILL be a Momma someday!! But sometimes it feels like everyone else is blowing past you in a full out sprint, with ease, just crusin through that finish line while I'm barely making the first 200m curve, far far from the out of sight finish line. That's basically what infertility feels like. Have I mentioned how much I hate the "I" word, because I do. There's alot of shame attached to it for me. It's such an ugly word. I prefer "re-productively challenged" ;) Or even better, "pregnant"!!

On top of this never ending race though, you have life happening all around you. It just goes on with or without you!! You don't want to miss it {as we all know in a mere blink another month rolls by}. One minute you have someone on the same godforsaken "team" as you and the next minute FB feeds flood your day with them holding their 5 month old. "5 month old!?! Blair, remember when we were talking with them about also having trouble conceiving?!! My god that was 14 months ago"!!! Life begins to revolve around this.  I think there is a natural armor of protection the heart starts to weave around it or you wouldn't even be able to function normally.

I have been open & honest about this process without trying to be overbearing & I am relieved that I've had so much support and encouragement along the way. One friend even took my advice when she wasn't responding to one med to try one I used and responded to, and she's now 4 months pregnant!! That alone has made being open about this struggle all worth it. There are many people knee deep in this race who aren't running alone {some of you read my blog} and I hope that we are all surprised with a random gust of energy/wind that brings our finish line a WHOLE LOT CLOSER than we think possible. 

xoxo,

Andi 

{Memorial} Weekend Recap!

Since we moved in, we've had visitors every weekend {which we love} and this Memorial Weekend we had a wide open long weekend with no visitors. We had the perfect balance between production around the house, cookouts with friends and family and R&R with the furbabies. So necessary; I feel completely refreshed.

 

We painted the dining room the same color as the last house we built {no chance to get sick of it when we lived there for a whopping 9 months} & love it just the same if not more in this house. I also hung the globed light fixture, which is a total bear, so all I have left to do in this room is to hang the rustic wall wine rack, find drapes and a big rug and call it a day.
 

Light fixture hung! Rug and drapes to find next.....

 I also just received the 7' x 9' massive wall art from Pottery Barn that I'm hanging in our vaulted living room above the couch. Now....to get it hung. I tried to finagle the delivery guy with a $50 spot to hang it for me but no cigar. Sigh. Any takers? I've had my eye on this baby for MONTHS & finally pulled the trigger. Obsessed with it.

 I found some great rockers for the front porch and cant wait to get the roped porch swing my parents are getting us for our house warming gift. I grew up in Lexington, KY and we had a big lovely front porch that everyone used as the gathering place in the neighborhood. I have so many fond memories on that porch that these rockers this weekend took me right back to. There's nothing more relaxing to me than a summer evening on the front porch with the furbabes {+ red wine, duh}. We got to soak in a whole lot of nature walks out back during the day and evenings on the porch this weekend. It couldn't have been any better. Well, maybe if a bonfire and smores were involved, but that's about it!

Clearly Nova and Atty approve

 

potter Afro Puff Nova

 

Nature walks with Atticus

Blair & Bean

 

My man & his mad lawncare skills

all tuckered out

peaceful back yard

We've already made alot of great friends in D-town and are starting to feel right at home. I can honestly say it was all worth it. Selling our new home, transitioning into a storage unit while we lived in an apartment for 10 months and building a second home, to finally being unpacked and settling in. My left eye has FINALLY stopped twitching after a solid 9 months (ha!! not even kidding).  We hope to be here for a very long time.

 

my new hairdresser and friend, KC & I

Erin & I- my gym junkie who drags me along with her!

 

Hope you all had a fab weekend filled with family fun and some rest and relaxation!! Happy Memorial Day and as always, THANK YOU to all who have served to help provide us with these many pleasures + this beautiful life filled with all it's freedoms.

 

xo,

Andi

Things not to tell your friends who are TTC

That you are pregnant......and considering an abortion. Ummm!? 

Last week a friend of mine called to tell me she was pregnant. Now, most friends as of late feel awkward telling me they are, which is ridiculous because I am always insanely happy to hear baby news. Even when the friend who told me is one that's kind of a hot mess {self proclaimed}. She hasn't had a job in years, has had zero desire to ever be a mom {had an abortion in her early 20's already} and got pregnant by a pro baseball player who has been her on and off booty call for years. Originally I was super happy about the news because I think that this baby could bring some structure and focus to her life and give her meaning, I've had friends who get pregnant out of wedlock and are single parents and while it's not ideal, they turn out to be the best thing that happened to them in the end. She told me she was "weighing out her options" and while trying not to be judgemental I heard her out on all of them. I didn't think she'd ever have another abortion after the first as she said it was so traumatic and difficult for her but when she brought it up this time, it absolutely broke my heart. 

I've always been pro life, unless a woman is raped or what not, and even then I'd probably have it but I'd understand if another woman couldn't. I truly feel that no child is a mistake. Parents? Yes. They can be mistakes to the child but never the child. So, Blair and I immediately offered her an option to adopt to us {open or closed} just so she felt that there was a way out that included giving this child a chance at life & should she want, she could see grow should she choose. In the end, yesterday she told me after a week of deciding, she will be aborting it this week. Then she asked me how my house was coming along & she was excited to see it soon!?! Isn't life ironic? 

Alanis Morisette keeps ringing in my ears.


Isn't it ironic? One person prays they will soon be blessed to love a child of their own, and another is praying that their abortion goes well.....